"Your problem, Pay, is that you're been neglecting your divine feminine."
HA! I was sitting around waiting on my Tiffany blue toenails to dry, with half a pound of green crap on my face, drinking out of quite possibly the world's girliest mug, stroking my cute little fluffy dog. I had just had a shower in which I sang Nancy Sinatra songs at the top of my lungs. I had watched an Audrey Hepburn movie in the last 24 hours. My body was currently having the "Yay! We're not pregnant!" party. If there's anything I didn't think I was doing, it was doubting my womanhood. I mean, I have sneezed glitter in the last two days. How on earth was I not feminine?
The voice of my caring and very patient friend then explained to me that judging from the circumstances I have been dealt in recent past, and how I was dealing with them currently, I have been putting Her on the back burner.
My friend then rattled off a list of things that the Divine Feminine represent: restoration, life, renewal, creation, nurturing, receptivity, compassion, understanding, intuition, harmony...and many more. She then listed a few things that had to do with modern society's view of what womanhood was all about (high heels, makeup, dresses, being a wife/mother, cooking, cleaning) I then responded with "Oh, being a housewife?" to which she replied "No. That's where society gets it all wrong. Neither the expectation of a housewife, nor a radical feminist are correct in how women are. It's impossible. Being a woman is all about duality."
Here's where I come out and say it: I love being a woman, but I can't stand being around them. My group of friends are predominately older males (to which I will see the eyebrow raises and the utterances of "Daddy Issues" under people's breaths.) mainly because my interests are generally male driven: old music, record collecting, and strange British comedy to name a few. And to be honest? Most women make my skin crawl. When choosing female comrades, I tend to gravitate towards "mother" or "big sister" like people. This has been my whole life. When I was fifteen, one of my best female friends was in her forties. We still remain friends to this day. Young women, (and let's face it, some middle aged women too) to me, scream: needly, slightly, jealous, insecure, helpless, weak, and much more. When I expressed this to my friend, she laughed:
"You do realize that you have been conditioned to believe this way for years, don't you?"
I thought long and hard about it. My friend then asked me what my mother was like growing up. (Always stems back to childhood, doesn't it?) My mother was and still is a stunningly beautiful woman. She is multi talented, funny, and gorgeous. When I was a child, I saw the way the other mothers looked at her. They thought of her as stuck up, or pretentious, or selfish, all because of the way she looked. My mom always made a point to take care of herself, to doll up, and to dress in a very "her" manner. Because she was prettier and let's face it, more talented in other aspects of life than most mothers, she was isolated from the den of "room mothers" in my classroom. I resented not having a homely mother at the time. Strange men told her she was pretty, and god, why couldn't she just work at a desk or bake cookies like a normal mom? Why did she have to go on stage in front of all of those people and sing?
Someone once said that when we are young, we get "whispered to". Meaning, we are told from an early age what we are supposed to do. It's when we get older that we learn to tune out the whispers. It gets easy with the hustle and bustle of everyday life to block out the whisper. And when we can no longer hear it, that...that is when we lose ourselves. I had the whisper early on. From five years old, I knew what I wanted to do. One of my friends likes to remind me that we are all given "roles" in life...like a movie...and when we neglect those roles, our life goes into chaos. Well, a few years back, I tuned out the whisper, and I stepped down to understudy in the role I was born to play. (Remember those glorious old Hollywood trailers..."So and so in the role she was born to play!!")
One of my favorite quotes from Diane Von Furstnberg. I keep this taped in my notebook.
When I made this decision, I didn't listen to my gut...about anything. That was step one in losing my Divine Feminine: I stopped listening to my intuition....I felt myself harden. I stopped doing what made my heart sing. I put everything on the back burner. I was neglecting the roles I was born to play. The last two years feel like an out of body experience for me, really. I did more compromising, settling, and fighting within myself and with others (another sign of repression) I was doing things I wasn't comfortable doing, I made huge mistakes that I can't undo, and most importantly? I neglected myself.
I was raised in an environment that was a little different than most. I was fortunate enough to have a steady father-figure that went out and was the predominant breadwinner, which allowed my mother to stay at home with us, but also encouraged her to do the things that made her happy and fulfilled (singing, painting, writing, creating...) and worshipped her in all her feminine glory, and in turn, she balanced him out, being supportive, the caretaker, the one who kept the house in order. They completed the other one. They didn't compete, they let the other play the role they were supposed to---and happy to play. This is the dynamic I always craved.
So I found myself in a situation where I was not one of these, but both of these partners. I was the main source of income, the breadwinner, the one who worked behind a desk for hours on end every week, and although I tried to make the most of it, all I kept thinking was how much time I was wasting when I could be doing things I was supposed to be doing. I wasn't appreciated there, and dealing with everyone's energy when I'm really an introvert who just so happens to have a somewhat outgoing personality, was exhausting. And then I would have to go home, and fill the shoes of the perfect housewife. I found the things I once loved were daunting. I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to put on my shoes (which if anyone knows me, knows that's what I love), didn't want to put makeup on (another thing I love) I wanted to sit around my house in my pajamas, scratching my nonexistent balls. I had unwillingly, and unknowingly made myself the man. When my partner at the time made the comment that everyone else in the world got to see the "best" me---one in which I was made up, hair done, fully dressed and "on" and he got to see the rest of it--the human incarnation of me where my skin isn't perfect, my hair sticks up all over my head, and I am cranky...I knew it was over. When I mentioned after taking a second job that I needed to concentrate on my passions so I could feel like I was doing something worthwhile, he said to me "There's only room for one star in this family, and it's me." I knew that I had to "man up" (no pun intended) and move on.
My friend explained to me that every one who identifies as a woman's version of their Divine Feminine is different. She named off a list of things associated with being Her....Heels, dresses, makeup, bras, being a wife, being a mother, cooking, cleaning, periods, being vulnerable, being open...Which gender roles resonate with me? Which ones turn me off?
I said "OK, I love heels, dresses, makeup, hate wearing a bra and never do, would love kids and a husband, love to cook, could take or leave cleaning, disgusted and totally loathe my periods, and being vulnerable makes you weak." to which she laughed.
"I can handle the no bra thing. Cleaning is fine if you don't love that too. But the thing about your body doing it's thing, you need to respect. It's part of what makes you a woman. And a lot of women would kill to be able to have one, because it means one day you will be able to have children, hopefully. Embrace it. Examine your resistance to these things. Now tell me why you love the other things?"
"OK, well, heels are works of art that I get to wear on my feet. Dresses are more fun and easier to wear than pants, makeup is like painting your face every day. The bra thing is because I don't think women need them, and I've read more on children and their development, and birth than someone who has ever had children. Always knew I wanted them. I just feel more comfortable in a caretaker or nurturing position. Love kids."
"Now, here's the part that's difficult. Why does being vulnerable make you weak in your opinion?"
I thought long and hard. I thought about being a kid and bursting out into tears, and my biological father telling me to "Suck it up. Stop being a wuss." I thought about how being open let bad people in to my life, and how being vulnerable left me a target for others to come in and hurt me. I thought about the wall that I worked so hard to build, to keep everyone out. I thought about how I couldn't cry for two months because I had trained myself to not do so. I thought about having to deal with men in the workforce and how you weren't allowed to have an emotional moment, or a time when you worked purely on a gut instinct (even though you were right in the end) because they would just say you were being irrational, stupid, or must be on your dreaded period.
I thought about how I had to adapt to function in the world of the Male. I changed my clothes, hair, makeup, shoes, even lowered the tone of my voice so men would take me seriously as a peer, instead of as a "woman" How could I expect anyone else to accept me and respect me, if I couldn't respect myself? If I was being untrue to who I was? To who She was?
And that's when I had the a-ha moment. The modern world we live in doesn't value the Feminine. Women have to be bi-lingual. We have to speak Feminine and we have to speak Masculine. It is not the other way around. We are trained from an early age that other women are competition. We are bred to be jealous...to envy...which goes against our nature to be compassionate, loving, accepting beings. We are taught that women have certain crosses to bear, instead of considering them privileges. We are instructed to go against our nature, and go on rationale, not emotions, which then in turn, shuts down our intuition. We are expected to neglect our delicate biochemistry, because we have to "man up" Instead of celebrating the fact that I was a healthy, blossoming woman stepping into adulthood when I started my first period, I was taught to be ashamed, to hide, to be grossed out...for doing what my body does. I was told that I was a slut for not wanting to wear a bra...and then in turn when I posted the blog on my last website about my anti bra decision, I was told by feminists that I was truly not on their side because I still wore make-up and high heels, and was "secretly being repressed." by the patriarchy. (When actuality, I just like glitter.) Because I have been told that I am not good enough because I don't make as much money as a man, or the fact that I don't have the desire to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life, because I was told that being a sexual human being was "dirty", because, dammit, I actually do want to go back in the kitchen and make my significant other a sandwich....I am not good enough..
Guess what?
Not true. I love the fact that I am 6'3" in high heels. I love the fact that my body is fully functioning and healthy after a few scares in the past, I am not grossed out by any of its functions any longer. I love the fact that not wearing a bra makes me feel like more of a woman, because I'm not trying to turn my breasts into something they're not...they're just fine on their own. I love the fact that I get to paint my face each day to highlight the features I like the best, I love the fact that I don't want to go into corporate America in spite of what the world tells me to do, I love the fact that my body can sense pleasure and I can not be ashamed of it, and I love the fact that I can find my way around a kitchen, and usually make something pretty decent out of it that will make other people happy. And I love the fact that I am an emotional creature who feels. Because after shutting that part of your life off for years? It feels damn good to cry.
This is what makes me MY woman. What makes me tick doesn't make other women tick. That's what's so great about being one. If you want to have children, you can. If you want to work 50 hour s a week, you can. If you want to not wear makeup, wear pants, buy astronomically expensive shoes or not...you can. We need to focus more on what being women represents: openness, love, understanding, compassion, insight, intuition, forgiveness, wisdom, connection, sensuality...whatever those things mean to you...because when we neglect these things, our health falls apart. Trust me. I'm dealing with the repercussions right now. When I was told that I have overwhelming amounts of the stress hormone in my system, and that I had overworked my body to the point of it not functioning properly? I knew it was from trying to be something I was not meant to be. That was from trying to shut Her up.
This is a new journey for me, readers. I know that I will never be back to the person I was before two years ago. I know that I am on a spiritual journey. and my awakening means that I will never be able to go back old Payton. What I am doing is evolving into who I am supposed to be. I am trying every day to be more open, more loving, compassionate, understanding, less judgmental...I am trying not to neglect what makes my heart happy, and I am having to learn how to listen for that whisper. I know the whisper is still in there, but I have turned the volume down so much that I am having to strain to hear. I am working every day on loving the person I am now, instead of beating myself up for the mistakes I made along the way.
Remember, just because you embrace your inner DF doesn't mean you're not smart, tough, or strong. And it's OK to hate pantsuits.
Love you, readers. Shine on.
