Perhaps it was due to my childhood that change is such a hard pill to swallow. I haven't really felt stable ever. I wonder if stability is a myth perpetuated by the media...like perfect skin and jeans that don't fade when you wash them.
It seems like the last few years of my life have been nothing but changes-some drastic, and some not. I've moved five times in the last four years, and before that, it was an average of once a year if not more. I wasn't raised in a situation where I was really shown what a safe and healthy relationship was for the first sixteen years of my life...probably the years that matter the most. I've lost two friends that were more like family to me, and am about to lose my favorite aunt to the same disease in less than a year. I am at a crossroads in my careers. I feel like change has brought me rocky ground to stand on, and I'm wearing six inch heels on that shaky bit of land.
When chaos and change go on all around me, I shut down. It's been a coping mechanism since before I knew what a coping mechanism was. I don't realize I'm doing it until someone snaps me out of it. I was always a quiet child for the most part...I didn't say a word until I was four...so it doesn't really raise any eyebrows for people who've known me long.
Change effects my quest for perfection. Maybe it's because I'm a virgo, or maybe it's because I've lived in disorder my entire life, that my heart cries out for order, but I am on a never ending quest for perfection. I of course know that this will never happen, and it's unobtainable, but there's a familiar comfort in trying to reach for it. Much like nail biting, nervous eating, and holding everything in until it's too late, and I'm having a panic attack over tacos (that was one time!) instead of what's really bothering me, there's a familiar comfort in anxiety and stress. It's the only way I know how to live. It's the only way I have been taught to live. I have been trained to believe that everyone will leave, nothing will ever stay the same, and trying to build something permanent will be harder than trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.
But, yesterday morning I had a realization. Not all change is bad change.
I came in from a Pilates class and sat at our kitchen table while I drank my coffee and looked around. I tried to mindfully enjoy my breakfast, giving my body gratitude and love for working so well. I practiced gratitude for our beautiful little kitchen, which was starting to shape up to look like one I had dreamed about when I was younger, and had even written about in my journal. My little guy pawed at me, begging me for part of my beet muffin. The sounds of The Who filled our home that we had been struggling to put together for the last few days. My leggings were falling down my hips. As I hiked them up to go and flip the record, I had a realization. All of these great things were also brought on my change. Things that I felt so blessed and so grateful to have were all products of change!
Our little kitchen
If I hadn't changed my lifestyle, I would still be unhealthy and unhappy with the way I was looking, and feeling crappy. Old Payton wouldn't dream of going to Pilates or eating beets! She wouldn't dream of being in single digit clothing, or walking on a runway. Change did that!
If I hadn't changed my mind about being single and living in a terrible environment, I wouldn't have experienced the most challenging, and most rewarding year of my life with my boyfriend, Nathan. I have grown so much as a person because of our shared experiences. I wouldn't have this beautiful life we are building together in our cute little home if I had been afraid of change.
Floor seats for the Who!
I wouldn't have Arrow if I had wanted to stay comfortable and not bothered. And he's the light of my life!
If I hadn't changed and realized my worth, I would still be working at a terrible 9-5 instead of working on building my own business doing things that I love and helping people.
Dressing Crystal Gayle and Charley Pride
So, yeah, maybe change does suck sometimes. But if there's one thing I am working on, it's changing the way I look at the world. Just like coal turning into a diamond, or scraps of metal transforming into a Rolls Royce, or a really great vintage dress that gets reworked into a new outfit, change can be good. Change can make things better.
Trying to change my mind about change? That's one thing I can definitely try to...
Well, you know.
