Build Your Own Chocolate Factory.

"You know what happened to the man who got everything he ever wanted...he lived happily ever after." -Willy Wonka

So you're probably wondering why I am quoting a fictional character at the beginning of this blog, right? 

As many of you who know, I am seldom out and about without my faithful journal close by. I have faithfully kept a record of my thoughts for the past sixteen years. I think it's the cheapest form of self realization one can possibly find. And I also think it helps keep you in check. Going back and reading your stream of consciousness as a third party makes you more aware of your progress and where to move next. 

I also believe that you create your own reality. I don't buy into excuses anyone may make. I just don't. I think that you can have everything you've ever dreamed and then some...your own chocolate factory. And the only one standing in the way is yourself.

"But, Payton. I grew up poor. My genetics are bad. My dad didn't love me enough. My boyfriend won't let me. I didn't go to college. I can't." And I'm here to tell you that you absolutely can. The job you want? You can have it. The body you desire? Within reach. The partner, the car, the home...you can have it. And the only one standing in between you and what you so crave is yourself.

The only reason I can tell you this with such confidence is that I have been there. I have had every excuse under the sun. I couldn't get the body I wanted because I was stressed, I didn't have enough money to eat properly, I was tired. I couldn't have the job I wanted because I was fat. I couldn't have the lifestyle I wanted because I couldn't get the job I wanted because I couldn't have the body I desired. I had terrible relationships because my stepmom beat me and I didn't trust men. I worked two jobs at one time that I both hated, I had a hormonal imbalance, blah blah blah, and I cried myself to sleep at night every single night without fail because I was so distraught at the thought of never accomplishing my dreams, but I wasn't willing to do anything to move in the direction of accomplishing them, because in my mind I was "stuck"

That Payton wouldn't pose for anyone in hot pants that were a size 6. She was too afraid of success, confidence, and spandex. 

Preview and photo by Nathan Cox.

About five years ago, I was introduced to the teachings of the Law of Attraction and the laws of the universe. When people scoffed at me, I reminded them that gravity was a law of the universe as well, and no one seemed to mind that. I created vision boards, and started to journal differently. When I was nineteen, I wrote out a day in what my dream life would be. I wrote about what my day consisted of in such detail that I even included smells and tastes. I wrote about my dream body, my partner, my home, my dog...I closed the last page of my journal and put it away.

The dog I so desperately wanted, my best friend, Arrow. 

Sitting in his chair at my job that seems to have been tailored just for me. I can only describe him entering into my life as predestined fate. My destiny dog.

I continued to journal, but if you read them in chronological order, about three years ago I start to slip. My language becomes more harsh, more criticism happens, I start to feel trapped, desperate, and afraid. The people I started to attract into my life had ulterior motives, and there's a giant plot twist in my narrative. I became depressed, I gained weight I had worked so hard to lose back, I got robbed on more than one occasion in nearly every sense of the word, I lost friends...It wasn't until I went back and read those passages that I realized it was time to get back on track. I took control of my life and started back on the path of creating the life I wanted. And when I did, all the wrong people and circumstances fell by the way side, I was given the urge to start yoga classes which has shaped my body into one I am proud of, a freak happening brought me my partner that treats me like a queen, a devestating loss brought me my dog, an internal rustling helped me find my jobs, I started meeting all the right people and being in the right places at the right times. Because I decided to. 

I woke up today in a house in the neighborhood I had picked out for myself when I was eighteen. The dog snoozing blissfully at my feet was just like the photo of one I had pinned up on a bulletin board in my cheap rented room five years ago. The person next to me is above and beyond what I could have written him to be like in his ways of treating me like a queen and being supportive and loving. I got to a job that I am happy to be at, while looking at a schedule full of stuff that I said I would always have (styling, modeling, acting, concerts) My muscles are blissfully aching from a yoga class surrounded by something else I wanted--a community of strong and beautiful women to support each other. And as I walked down the street today on a little break from work, my heels clacking on the brick sidewalk, I couldn't help but think of an entry from March of 2010.

Behind the scenes of yesterday's photo shoot complete with glam squad. Two shoots booked in two days. Something I used to only dream of.

Left: size 14/16. Right: size 6

Taking care of rock royalty's wardrobe. In heels. 

March 5, 2010:

...one day I will be able to wear whatever the hell I want to to work. I'll wear my highest heels if I feel like it. And I'll have a little fluffy white dog that's part shihtzu like Hannah (my dog at the time)  is. And I'll walk my cute little dog down the streets of East Nashville and say hello to all of my artist neighbors. I'll have stacks of checks to take to the bank to do with all of my jobs--styling and modeling and writing. And I'll have a cute little house in Inglewood that I'll share with my cute boyfriend with curly hair who loves records as much as I do, treats me like a queen, and is an artistic genius. I also will have learned how to cook then and instead of a fourteen, I'll be a size six. I will travel so much that I'll be able to see two coasts in months of each other. I will feel fulfilled and happy, and I'll know that I created this for myself. 

Size 6 jeans. Long gone are the double digits. 

The cute boyfriend who is a brilliant photographer. And check out that curly hair!

I go on and on about my plans for my life by the time I turn this age and that age, and so on and so forth. (I do believe a ring that looks like Elizabeth Taylor's is mentioned along with a walk in closet are mentioned) and while I don't have these things now, I know they are on its way. There are so many things I have had to stop saying to myself to get here. I had to move out of my own way. I had to listen to my gut. But today, I could wake up and say to myself that I was on the right track. 

And if I can get there? You can too.

March 25, 2015:

Dear eighteen year old Payton: Mission Accomplished. You got this. 

Keep the faith, readers. You've got this too. The life you want is within your reach if you will just step out of your own way. Now go build your own damn chocolate factory. 

And do it in something fabulous. Top from People Like Art.

What Losing Two Friends In Six Months Did To Me

"Dr. Appt went well. All clear."

"Thank God."

These texts and calls have become commonplace in my life. My mom, a ten year breast cancer survivor will have to continue having these appointments for the rest of her life. Every year, I hold my breath and wait for the message to come through that she's in the clear...

The eleventh of March marked a month since I said goodbye to my friend Phil, and six months prior to that, we buried my friend/adopted mother figure Carla from the same disease. I currently have family members, friends, and their loved ones fighting with the same evil.

Mama Carla and her "Munchkin"

I think about a little over a month ago when I went to see Phil in the hospital. The boisterous laugh, the booming Australian accent that could carry across rooms, all of the life in him had already drained out. He was kept "comfortable" until his passing. I was at home when I heard the news...and I remember throwing my fists in the air and sobbing "Why did you take another one of my friends?!"

At the benefit for Phil. I played drums with some of our friends to raise money to cover his medical bills.

I know my story isn't that uncommon by today's standards. Nearly every single person in my life has been effected directly with this disease. But I know that my life has changed drastically over the last year alone because of it. 

 Three years ago, I started my extensive research on the modern medical industry, the food industry in this country, diet, nutrition, and exercise. This is an ongoing process, because there's always something new to learn about it. I learned that animal proteins feed cancer cells, and went ahead to make the choice to become vegan instead of a lacto-ovo vegetarian. I kicked my diet soda addiction. I attempt to be as perfect as possible in my dietary choices. It's forced me to meal plan around budget, nutritional value, and so much more. It was the wakeup call I needed. I learned that health starts with what your input into your body is. 

I move. I move because I can. After seeing Phil on his deathbed, unable to do anything but sleep, I came home and did four yoga classes in a row because I was physically able to. If I have a body that is fully capable of moving, it is a slap in everyone's face who can't. It's a slap in my Creator's face to not use the instruments he has given me.  I have witnessed  "Use it or lose it" first hand.

I crow because I can. A year ago, I couldn't touch my toes. 

I try my hardest to be present. I try to be in every moment as they are happening, experiencing the moments I will never get back instead of wishing for what tomorrow may hold. I breathe a little slower, chew my food a bit more, write in my journal to capture moments more...I try to put my phone down at home as much as possible (still working on that one) and swap that time out for snuggles with my dog or my partner. I try to wake up earlier to have a few moments to myself to breathe, to give thanks...thanks for waking me up again, thanks for getting me out of bed, thanks for the coffee I'm brewing. Thank you for this moment that I will never get back.

I've cut out booze. Watching your loved ones internal organs shut down before your very eyes will either do one of two things to you: drive you to drink, or encourage you to walk away from it cold turkey. Thich Nhat Hanh has a book about being present, in which he says that anyone who is drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes is not present, because they are looking for a distraction from now. If they were present in the moment on all levels, they would not put such toxins in their systems, knowing it will reak havoc on their body. This has stuck with me. The four vodka sodas I used to have a week are gone, and I feel so much better. But the best part is that I feel like not only am I respecting my body when I do so, but it gives me the energy to move, to function, and I'm not distracted and trying to escape. Being an introvert in an extroverted world is hard. Having a few drinks to loosen up in public situations was my way to not shut down. It was a crutch. But, without it, I am forced to be present. And that is actually a gift in itself!

I try to do my friends proud. Carla especially (Mama Carla as I called her) called me her "Munchkin" and adopted me almost right away. She and her partner, Jim, gave me a key to their home, and quickly became surrogate parents. After Carla passed, people came out of the woodwork to talk about how every time Carla was with them that she would pull out her phone and tell everyone about her Munchkin in Nashville, and how proud she was of me.  Her family members, hairdressers, and even waitresses at their favorite spots reached out to tell me after she passed that she would do this. I had no idea. I feel like now, it is my goal to live in such a way that she would be so proud of me, and is elbowing the other angels up there, saying "that's my munchkin!" 

Jim, Carla, and I before seeing Ringo. 

I am living more authentically. Phil touched so many people's lives and left such an impression as a member of his community. Carla decided to uproot her life and move away to pursue her dreams after her children were grown. She stayed true to herself...up to the very end. I try to emulate this about her in my everyday life. Because of them, I know that you leave the earth a better place or a worse place because of you, so you might as well make it better.

Phil and I definitely in the moment. Itchycoo Park's set on the Sunday from our last Abbey Road on the River...the last time I saw Carla alive. Phil had no idea he was sick. 

I pray that one day the real cure...and prevention of this awful disease will be as common knowledge as what's going on in the world of the Kardashian's, but for now, it's not. But, what I have learned from losing two friends in six months is not only to take care of myself, to follow my dreams, and to eat my vegetables...it's that shit will always happen. That's inevitable. It's how we choose to deal with it that is the true mark that we will leave on the world...and I intend to make them proud.