True Life: I'm a Millennial With A Life Coach

Hey, readers!

I hope all of you are well. While I will be reporting on the trends I am seeing on the runways soon (Hello, Gucci cruise!) I thought I would talk to you guys on something that isn't really spoken about.

Today, I'm going to talk to you about my experience entering into the self help world.  After trying to build my own business with little to no luck, a "Lemonade"-esque breakup, a new home, a new relationship, and so much more sending my brain into frazzled mode, my friend Shelby recommended the book "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero to me, and it has honestly revolutionized my life.  You HAVE to get this book, you guys.  It's the best three bucks I ever spent on Amazon.  For someone who was a little self help weary, this book was absolutely perfect.  Jen was formerly in a punk rock band, and her quirky personality and offbeat sense of humor definitely shines through. She has a quote in the book that stood out to me more than any other:

"It's not your fault that you're f****d up. It's your fault if you stay f****d up!"

The cutest little reading buddy there ever was. 

Shelby: Soul sister, fellow badass, and Zombies fan 

How true was this?! The book gets really uncomfortable for a few chapters when you end up confronting your bull shitake mushrooms.  I had to get real with myself about which stories was I continuing to tell myself because they were comfortable.  She discusses how people become so wrapped up in their own narratives that doing anything that doesn't play into those will send your brain into shock. For instance: "No one in my family has ever made money." "Rich people are bad people." "I am going to die alone. There are no good men left." "No one makes money as a musician." etc. etc. Here were mine:

"People don't pay me enough for my services."
"Women aren't supposed to make money. Men are supposed to provide."
"I am an imposter."
"I am not good enough."
"I don't have enough resources to make a difference in the world."
"Men are intimidated by determined, successful women."

These were all crippling beliefs!  In my heart of hearts, I knew I wanted to build a one woman empire based on fashion being a healing avenue.  How on earth was I supposed to use my skills to serve the world if I didn't believe I had them? Or that I wasn't good enough?  What if The Beatles decided that no one wanted to hear their music because it was unusual?  Seriously! They were broke as hell when they started!

So, once I figured out what my narratives were--the stories that continued to make me feel like crap about myself--I then took the next course of action.  Jen says in the book to hire a life coach at any cost.  Put it on a credit card, sell all of your possessions, donate your blood, just hire a life coach at any cost.  And so I did!

I had already known of Coach Dar from her work on some people in my family, and her strong online presence.  Her Motivational Mondays always really inspired me, so I reached out to her.  I mentioned my struggles.  When I spoke of my dreams, she didn't laugh, and she certainly didn't scoff at me like the voices in my head were!  She said that she would absolutely be able to help me, and sent me her pricing sheet.  I bought eight sessions, and it was the biggest check I have ever written in my life.  I looked at this as an investment in my life, and tried to not laugh at the irony of hiring a life coach when I was a self employed person with no clients on the books.

My first session was on the phone.  I was honest with Coach Dar about all of my shortcomings, my self doubt, and the direction I wanted to go in with my life.  And just like any other coach in sports would, she told me how to keep my head in the game.

The first thing we tackled was getting me on a meditation routine.  She told me about an app called the Insight Timer.  I am doing guided meditations at least twice a day.  Sometimes it's more if I feel like I need it.  I am then doing gratitude journaling in the morning and at night.  There's an app that my friend Shelby told me about called the 5 Minute Journal that reminds you do create entries twice a day.  That way, there's no excuses! Everyone carries their phones on them at all times anyway! You might as well take a moment to stop and reflect on what you're grateful for! I finally have been able to get into the meditation zone that everyone always talks about.  I was given a personal affirmation to repeat to myself all the time.  It's written on a notecard that's stuck to my windshield.  I was given a meditation exercise to lock away the notion of women not being able to make money in to a drawer, as well as personal affirmations to repeat to myself when I start to feel insecure about my career. I did an exercise in which I had to take every single belief about myself financially.  An example:

BELIEF:
"Women don't make money.  Men provide it."
IS THAT TRUE?
Of course not. Lots of women make tons of money every day. All of the business women I admire are self made women!
TURN IT AROUND
I  provide an abundant life for myself! Women run successful companies all over the world. And I am one of them! I am able to serve so many people using my gifts.
BELIEF
No one wants to pay me what I am worth.
IS THAT TRUE?
No! There are stylists out there that I am just as good as making ten times what I do! They are working with exciting clients every single day!
TURN IT AROUND
People are paying what I'm worth to have people just like me style them! I am always in the right place at the right time to meet them!

Truer words have never been spoken. 

I did the same exercise for my personal beliefs in my self-mind, body, and spirit.  I then sat down and got really clear on my financial needs.  I wrote down every single thing that I would need to have the greatest life I could imagine.  When I sat down and did the math, I realized that this life was easily attainable--if I had been charging what I had originally wanted to charge people for my services! All I would need to do is to charge what I am worth, I could thrive with four clients a month! Instead, I was floundering with eight or more jobs a month, and barely scraping by! What a freeing revelation this was! I wasn't a failure, or lacking! I just was selling myself short!

At the end of the day, the biggest thing that Coach Dar has helped me with is my attitude!  I had such a poverty mindset--"Things never happen to me." "I'm not successful enough." "I should have been further along." And just as easily as those thoughts flew through my brain, now "I am already abundant." "I am always in the right place at the right time." "I am exactly in the right place to serve." are on repeat.  You can't control all of the situations you will be handed, readers.  You can, however, handle how you choose to react to them.  There were days recently that I would have loved to have stayed in bed all day and wallowed.  But, I chose to wake up, dress up, make up, and show up.  And those days have been the most rewarding!  I have ended up in some beautifully rewarding situations that would not have happened had I done things my old ways.

If your old ways aren't working--if you're broke, and feel like you always will be, or if you feel like you're just existing and not living, or whatever it is, get your hands on that book.  Hire a coach.  Sell everything you have to make it happen.  Do whatever it takes.  Because being able to get out of bed in the morning, being able to look myself square in the eye and be prepared to take over the world is priceless.

You may think I am nuts for being a 24 year old with a life coach, but I will be over here making vision boards, meditating, and repeating my affirmations in the mean time.  You only have one life to live.  I have spent far too much time at the bedsides of people I love towards the end of their life. When I asked them what they all wished? "That I hadn't worried as much and just lived." And it's my every intention to live in such a way that when my loved ones gather around me and ask me what I would have changed, I will be able to smile, and say "Nothing. It was the best ride ever."


Would you ever consider getting a life coach, readers? Why or why not?

A little reminder from my five minute journal app. 

Closet Case: Why You Shouldn't Settle For Bad Clothes Or Relationships

Hey, readers!

I told you that I would be blogging more!  I have been debating whether or not to write this particular blog.  But, I recently had a discussion with a client of mine that made me rethink that decision.

A few days ago, I was cleaning out a client's closet and preparing her wardrobe for the upcoming seasonal change.  My process usually involves me pulling every single item out of my client's closet, throwing it on their beds, and then having them separate everything into piles: Keep, Donate, Sell.  I have them try on every single article of clothing, and talk them through why I think they should or should not keep a piece.  After helping walk a few people through this process, I realized that not only do we as humans tend to hoard things that no longer serve us in our wardrobes, but we do it in our lives as well.

My last client has a shopping problem.  I have attempted numerous times to educate her on when something is a good investment or not (Quality, Taste, Style, Versatility...) and it just doesn't seem to effect her.  Like many women, she fluctuates in her weight, and the clothes she held on to from when she was her smallest (and starving herself) bring up painful memories and make her feel inadequate.  As she clung on to a cheap, ill fitting, polyester sundress from a box store, tearfully trying to make it fit, I had a realization...She was doing to her closet what I had been doing in my life.

How many times have I sat across from another person, be it friend, or romantic interest, trying so hard to squeeze, wiggle, and force a perfect match?  Almost always.

Maybe it's with the latest release of Beyonce's "Lemonade" that has me inspired to talk about what happened to me.  Maybe it's because I am simply too tired to answer any more questions about it.  Maybe it's because it's time to clean the skeletons out of my closet...

My last relationship was the equivalent of the stained sweatpants you can't get rid of from high school.  It was sort of comfortable, it was definitely stained, stretched, and wasn't doing much of anything for anyone.  About a year into the relationship, I learned that there was some serious infidelity issues going on.  I waited until ten months to bring it up.  I essentially sat in an oversized hoodie of a relationship because it was comfortable.  It definitely wasn't working for me.  I might as well have been in an open relationship with his phone (the device he used to be unfaithful with.)

Being in a relationship with a man who refuses to show you his phone is the equivalent of wearing leggings as pants.  It's awkward for all parties involved. It's enough effort to get by.  You deserve an open and honest relationship. Just like you deserve real pants.

So, I let the infidelity slide.  Maybe it'll get better! Just like I may manage to make this stretched and faded t-shirt work if I accessorize it a bit.  I'm not crazy! You are! This is totally working. I may look like I'm from People Of Wal-Mart. But that's a look! I stayed for almost an entire year after finding this out, guys.  This was just the tip of the iceberg.  There are a million other reasons why it didn't work out in the long run.  There was the hustling for two, the mind numbing day in and day out of being the only one doing chores, and being constantly reminded every single day that I wasn't enough. The snide comments, the inability to show me that he was proud to be with me...it was maddening. But, it was comfortable.

And then, one of my best friends moved in town from LA.  We had gone out previously, and kissed once (or fifty times) there was an undeniable spark between the two of us.  However, with us living across the country, we agreed to remain friends, and our relationship was kept on the phone.  You know that expression "Nothing haunts us like the things we didn't buy?" He was the equivalent of this vintage Louis Vuitton bag I should have bought two years prior...Couldn't shake him.  And so, once he moved to Nashville, and saw the state my life was in, he showed me that I deserved real pants...and someone who was proud to be with me.

When he moved back to town, I was reminded of purchasing my first designer item of clothing.  As a teenager, I worked a few jobs to help pay for gas, and bought the usual Forever 21 bologna.  And then, one day, I decided I wanted a pair of really nice jeans.  I saved and saved, and finally walked into the store to purchase them.  I had never felt as beautiful as I did in those jeans.  I went home, neatly hung them up in my closet, and never went back.  As an adult, I have cultivated a wardrobe full of beautiful pieces that are high quality.  They are pieces that I am proud to be seen in.  It's organized in a way to make my life easier.  And everything fits!  If I wouldn't settle for mediocrity in my closet, I definitely wasn't about to settle into it in my personal life! Your relationship should fit like the perfect jeans.  They should be comfortable, but support you in all the right places.  My old friend became my new boyfriend, and I don't plan on going back to the faded, ill-fitting leggings any time soon.

Guys, you deserve someone who will hand over their phones because they have nothing to hide.  You deserve beautiful fabrics hanging in your closet that make you feel like a million dollars.  And you sure as hell deserve to have someone who doesn't shove skeletons in the back of their closets next to their Crocs.

Keep your closets dusted, and keep your minds clear.

-Your sister in denim

Bravery and Square Pegs.

Hey, readers!

I am so sorry that my blogs have been so few and far between lately.  Remember when I used to update this thing regularly? I've also been skimping on my Fashion Friday videos the past two weeks.

This should have been the first sign that something was sort of off with me I suppose. I stopped beating my drum sticks on every surface I could find. I didn't pick up a pen.  I hadn't read any books that weren't self help related.  I stopped dreaming of traveling to far away places.  This is where I was at with my life two weeks ago. I walked around like a zombie, living on under eye concealer and large coffees.  If I could plaster a smile on my face to go out into the real world, then no one would know...I was slowly killing myself. And no one noticed.

Now, this is nobody's fault, really.  I had done what I have always done.  My entire life has been spent moving from place to place, grasping for some sense of stability and normalcy.  I don't recall a time where I wasn't trying to force something to be what I needed it to be.  The title to my autobiography might as well have been called "Close, But No Cigar." and my catchphrase of "It's ALMOST there." which I usually reserve for describing articles of clothing for clients was beginning to feel like my mantra.

I was spinning my wheels trying to figure out a way to drum up business for myself to keep going.  I was constantly reminded of the limiting beliefs that I had grown up with surrounding money. Every day I woke up with a sense of dread, and a constant reminder that my dreams were not going to come true.  My backyard felt like a trap instead of an oasis.  My relationships felt like nooses around my neck.  I thought about giving up styling about fifty times in a matter of a week. And then, one morning I woke up and prayed for a sign.  "Creator, give me a sign that I'm on the right or the wrong path." I begged.  I woke up and went to a business meeting, and it was there that I got that sign.

It was supposed to be a normal business meeting with a woman I met at a networking event. She had a new skin care line that she wanted me to review.  She then said "I notice your energy seems off.  I'm a reader and healer.  May I help you?" Now, I'm not one to shy away from the crunchy hippie way of life, so I said "Of course!" She took me upstairs and shuffled a deck of cards.  She closed her eyes and said "OK, so this card will represent what will happen if you stay on your current path." and then I saw the two words CERTAIN DEATH under a photo of the Grim Reaper.  A lump formed in my throat, and I started to tear up.  She then closed her eyes again, and said "This card will represent your life if you choose to take a different path." A man illuminated by the rays of the sun and a trail leading to this beautiful paradise was revealed to me. THE SUNSHINE MAN was in big, bold letters underneath the illustration.

The woman then said to me "I feel like your entire life, you've been settling.  You're a workaholic, and you try to see the best in every one else at your own expense.  You have dreams of a life full of passion, adventure, excitement, and service to other people.  But, if you continue on this path you're on, it will never happen.  Life will be difficult if you do not choose to allow yourself to see the sunshine."

Insert me having a crying fit here. She hit the nail on every head, dug the nails back out, and hammered them back in again.  I had been overworking myself to distract from my unhappiness.  I had been trying to convince myself that I was incredibly happy and fulfilled, when in reality, I was empty and had never been lonelier in my life.  And so, I started over.

I walked away from what was my home for nearly the past two years.  I left behind plans, and a business I shared with someone, and all of the furniture that had been "ours".  I spent far too much money on a tiny little space, and moved Me and My Arrow in.  We don't have furniture yet, but there is a lot of love in our crackerjack box of an apartment.  And I'll tell you something, readers.  The moment I decided to leave and start fresh is the moment I felt like I could breathe again.  I talked to my grandmother the other day on the phone in the midst of the moving chaos, and she told me that I was one of the bravest people she knew.  "Most people would just have stayed in a life that was just okay.  You're brave for knowing who you are, and knowing you deserve better than just okay."

I guess I've never thought of myself as brave, readers.  It wasn't until I sat and really thought about the choices I have made in my short lifetime that I realized I was.  I've lived more in my nearly 25 years than most twice my age.  I've already decided that booze and I don't get along...even though it's ingrained in us as a society that twenty somethings should.  I decided when I was quite young to live a life without eating animals even though I live in the BBQ capital of the world.   I've chosen a career path that is neither steady, nor promised when I could have easily taken a different job to help me pay the bills until I die.  For the first time in my life, I gave myself the credit for being brave.  And this time, I was going to be brave enough to decide to live the life I want.

If there's anything I would love for you to take away from these ramblings, readers, it is this:
You don't have to sit at a table where love is no longer being served.  You deserve a life of passion, adventure, and excitement.  You should have and can have a life where you wake up and drink coffee with your soulmate, where your job makes you ridiculously happy to be alive, and where you feel like you can truly, fully be who you were put on this earth to be.  You just have to be brave enough to choose it.

And tomorrow? Arrow and I are packing up to go on an adventure.  Because we choose to!

Imposter Syndrome

Hello, readers!

I do apologize for the gaps in between my blogs lately.  If you follow me on my social media platforms, you know that it's been a productive few months.  I have recently signed on as the Creative  Director of Nashville Fashion TV, and that along with the work I am doing on my own has kept me terribly tied up.  I barely have time to write an Instagram caption, let alone an entire blog!

Interviewing Amanda Valentine for Nashville TV

I've had this subject on my mind a lot lately.  As someone who considers herself a creative, as well as being born from a creative, and currently living with one too, I see this as an epidemic.  I'm taking about "Imposter Syndrome"

Imposter Sundrome: a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

Behind the scenes of a product shot and commercial. 

I know that I've shared a lot of things with you on this blog that most people wouldn't dream of mentioning to their closest friends, let alone expose their vulnerabilities to the entire internet.  However, when I started blogging, I told you all that I would be honest with all of you.  And, the way I look at it, if I have difficulties with this, then others will too.

This past year has been the most rewarding career wise for me.  I have dressed famous people, rebranded musicians entirely, been published in print, been in music videos, had countless photo shoots, relaunched my website, and will be giving a speech at a Fashion Week kickoff party about my career as a celebrity stylist.  I was on my way to interview Amanda Valentine, the fashion designer for Nashville Fashion TV when I was tagged in the poster on Facebook:

It was then that it hit me.  I am going to be giving a speech in front of other people on how to become a celebrity stylist.  I was going to tell people how they could become like me.  Who on earth would want to listen to that?  No one wants to listen to me go on and on about how I have essentially spent seven years taping people's boobs down, and steaming out disgruntled rockstar's wrinkles!  What if they realize that I'm not really all that great?  What if they find out that I'm not glamorous, and I'm no one to aspire to be like?  I'm not a stylist! I'm a fake! Now, keep in mind, I said this as I had a trunk full of clothes I needed to return from a photo shoot I just styled, a text conversation going on with a client of mine, and I was about to walk in to interview a very well known fashion designer for a program...about fashion.  I had managed to go into that deep dark hole and take away my own accomplishments from myself. 

Logically speaking, I know that my hard work is finally beginning to pay off.  I know that there is a long road ahead of me that will involve burns from steamers, and people who used to be famous being mad at me over pleating in their pants.  But my subconscious likes to go into this deep dark pit that is filled with everyone who's ever told me that I wasn't enough.  It's my natural instinct to fall down that hole.  Oh,you've just booked an incredibly high profile job that will look insanely great on your resume?  What if they figure out that you're not as great as everyone says you are?  What if they find out that you have no idea what you're doing?  This is where my brain goes.

It's then that I have to sit down, breathe, and usually write down everything that I am feeling in the moment.  I'll make it out in list form, and reply to my own concerns.

Things that I am worried about:

They won't be happy with my work.

You'll never know until you actually do the work! Besides, every other client has always been happy!

I'm not accomplished enough.  I should be further ahead by now.

You're nearly 25, and have already done more than people in your industry who are decades older than you. Shut up. 

What if they don't take me seriously?

Do you take yourself seriously? OK, then. Now, go in there and show them how serious to take you.

It may sound a bit strange, readers, but this is the only thing that has really helped me get over this "Imposter Syndrome" circle of frustration.  

Because, the truth of the matter is, I am quite successful for someone my age.  I have worked at the same career goal for nearly seven years.  I have been published several times, worked for mostly celebrities, and have started building the foundation on which my professional life will more than likely lie on for the rest of my life.  Somedays, I just need my conscious and my subconscious to be on the same page!

What do you think, readers?  Do you ever have self-doubt that turns into Imposter Syndrome?  Comment below how you fight it off! 

I Have Body Dysmorphia And Work In The Fashion Industry

Hey, readers.

Before we go any further, you may be a little confused with my title.  So, let's make sure we are all on the same page.

bod·y dys·mor·phic dis·or·der

noun

noun: body dysmorphic disorder; noun: BDD; plural noun: BDDs

1. a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance.Sometimes believing they are mutated, much heavier or smaller than appear in real life.  

So, now that we all know what I'm talking about, let's move on.  

I wasn't originally going to write this blog.  A series of events happened to me about a month ago that really disturbed me.  I thought that it was the right thing to do. I was talked out of it.  But, I can't be quiet about it any longer.


So, backstory.  As some of you know, I am a stylist for a living.  My career has been spent dressing people to look their best...usually very beautiful and famous people at that.  One of my other jobs is as a model on runways and in photos.  So, all of my income comes from either being paid to be photographed, or making sure others look good in their photos and performances.  So, if I'm essentially paid for my looks, why do I feel this way?  
I was heavy most of my childhood and early adulthood.  I wasn't born big, but due to lack of appropriate nutrition and depression, I got that bloated belly pretty early in life.  I remember not wanting any photos taken of me when I was nine on the family trip to Disney World...because my pants were too tight and I had a muffin top.  I couldn't enjoy my trip because of it.  I didn't want to go on rides that would jiggle me around, because someone would notice my jiggly gut, and make fun of me.  This is what BDD sounds like...I can't experience joy because (insert body part here)

This thinking and behavior followed me into middle and high school.  I was too fat to be pretty, and pretty girls are the only ones worth being.  I hyper focused on several points.  I hated my uneven skin, my nose was too big, and my lack of torso made weight gain in my mid section the most uncomfortable burden I carried physically and mentally.  Around this time, MySpace was all the rage.  If you wanted to speak to your friends from school, you had to have one.  And if you had one, you had to have photos of yourself.  I remember the very first time I ever had my photo taken not against my will.  I was fourteen.  I did my hair and makeup to the best of my ability.  I put on my favorite t-shirt.  I set the camera's self timer to ten seconds, and walked back across the room.  I winced when it went off, as if in pain, and went to see the mutant that would most certainly be staring back at me in the view finder.  Imagine my shock when the girl I saw in the photo wasn't a mutant at all.  Sure, she was a bit chubby, but the lighting had evened out my skin, and my nose didn't look so big after all! Seeing myself in a view finder was the first time that I could actually accept who I was and what I looked like.  After that, I began to stage elaborate (for a fourteen year old) photo shoots with outfits I made and had put together.  I learned how to hide the things I didn't want to show, and accentuate what photographed well. I figured out what fabrics were best for on and off camera, and how to copy the poses I saw in magazines.  At school, I was the chubby, pimply girl with big hair who liked old music.  At home, I had a world that I created in which I was glam squad, stylist, model, and photographer all in one.  When I was in my zone, I could accept.  

When out in the "real world", my BDD could get the most of me.  If someone didn't like me, it was because I wasn't pretty enough.  If I was teased, it was because I wasn't good enough.  If I wasn't accepted, it was my fault. It fed my social anxiety.  Don't go out into the world.  There are people out there who are waiting to tell you that you're not good enough.  

Fast forward to a few years later.  I was a size 14-16, but still practicing my styling skills, makeup artistry, and posing.  I could create the girl in the photos.  I liked her.  Other people liked her too.  And one day, I was asked to model...for money.  Imagine my shock.  I leaped at the opportunity.  My first experience on set was me feeling like an inconvenience because I was the biggest girl on set.  I powered through and did my job...and they kept calling me. To this day, the best way to explain to people how I feel is "I feel like the less attractive twin of the girl in the photos." 

I kept on modeling as a plus size model for a few years. I never felt truly confident in myself during this time period.  The other photographers didn't capture me in a way that I thought was flattering, and one even made me do a pin up photo shoot in which I'm eating a piece of pizza over and over again...as to point out something I didn't already know.  I was a fat model. I was depressed, and terribly unhealthy.  I was carrying around an extra 50 pounds that was weighing me down in more ways than one.  Anything wrong with me, I would always blame on my size.  If I didn't get a job, it was because I was fat.  If I got rejected, it's because I wasn't good enough.  It was really easy to blanket all of my problems with the simple excuse "It's just because I'm fat."

And then, one day, something clicked.  I ended up watching hours upon hours of documentaries about diet and nutrition.  I decided to make the change to a vegan lifestyle.  The weight began to fall off of me.  Other people started to notice.  My skin cleared up, my hair and nails grew like crazy.  My waist shrank to half its former size.  Imagine my shock when I realized that it didn't solve all of my problems!  It made them worse!  I thought being thin meant I would book more work. It didn't. I thought skinny meant that I would be handed everything on a silver platter like my straight sized colleagues.  Nothing happened.  I thought that a skinny body would make the voices in my head stop telling me that I was disgusting.  It didn't. They wouldn't stop unless I made them stop.


Over time, with counseling, healers, holistic doctors, and supportive friends, those voices have softened to a whisper when at one period of time, they were screams so loud, I could hear nothing else.  But, as mentioned before, the BDD fuels social anxiety.  My weight loss in turn made my clothes that used to make me feel safe fall off of me.  For most, this is a great problem.  And it is.  But it also makes getting dressed nearly impossible.  I have tried to remedy this situation by stocking a fairly well rounded wardrobe for myself, but at one point, getting dressed to go out at any given point could result in me, crying on the floor, surrounded by jeans that fell off of me.  "I just want clothes that fit!" I used to yell.  My poor boyfriend has picked me up off the floor, grabbed me by the shoulders, and given me his now infamous pep talk of "You are always the best dressed person in the room. Don't sweat this"  too many times to count. 

I've learned to mostly manage my end of things.  As mentioned before, I tried to stock a wardrobe full of things that are easy to throw it together to dial in.  I try to plan these things out in advance if I am walking into a situation that I feel "unsafe" in...but there were several events that happened in the span of a week that really made me angry...that made me want to write this long winded blog in the first place.

The first was running into an acquaintance in a public place.  She commented on how thin I was.  (If only she had known I was in the process of having a meltdown before I left the house.) And the truth of the matter is? I am thin.  I have worked very hard to become healthy, and to maintain.  I also know that logically, this person has put on a significant amount of weight since I had met her, and is feeling insecure and jealous.  All logic goes out the window when this person starts poking me in the ribs over and over again, and tells me to eat a cheeseburger.  This is when I mentally shift into fat kid mode, and shut down.  If you wouldn't poke a fat person and comment on their size, why is it okay to do it to me?

Later that night, I ran into another person my partner and I are friendly with.  She too poked me in the ribs (ouch!) and called me a "skinny bitch" over and over again.  Also, my brain understands why this is happening.  Insecurity does strange things to people.  But once my boundaries are violated, and any comment is made on my physical appearance in a negative way? I revert.  "There must be something wrong with me if my body makes her uncomfortable."

And last, but certainly not least.  Later that week, I tackled a lot of my social anxiety and not only went out with my partner and his best friend to a bar (one of my biggest triggers is being around people who are obnoxiously drunk) but to meet friends of his who I've never met.  I feel like me being socially awkward at first meeting already is a strike against me...but then the strangest thing happened.  My boyfriend and his friend introduced me to a female friend of theirs.  She was standoffish and cold to everyone in the group, refusing to look me in the eye.  When I was finally introduced, she refused to shake my hand and just said "Uh, huh. Of course you look perfect.  You look like a freaking Barbie. I hate you."  If only she had known how hard it was just to get me out of the house.  I was already feeling like I wasn't up to par as far as my appearance was, and I shed a few tears over it in the bathroom.  Why was this stranger spewing such hatred out at me?  I thought perhaps she was joking, but she kept harping on it.  That familiar sinking feeling in my gut started to happen, and the elephant that I carry with me on my chest in such situations made himself so comfortable sitting on my heart.  I choked back tears.  What could I have possibly done to make this woman lash out at me? And how would she feel if I had said "Well, you're fat and your shoes make me feel sad. I hate you?" Why is it okay to talk to people this way based on their appearance alone? 

I wish that I could go back in time and give my old self a heads up.  Hey, keep up the hard work.  People pay you to do all of those things now.  But, being thin won't solve your problems.  It's going to pile on a whole new load of them!  Am I glad I am healthy? Certainly.  I'm healthier than ever, and I have noticed great progress in how I think about myself, and how I feel about myself.  I'm not to a point where I can necessarily control how I feel when other people behave in such a way yet.  That, I am working on.  But, maybe we should all keep in mind before we lash out at someone over insecurity, or jealousy, that you don't know what the person you're attacking is dealing with.  
She probably spent twenty minutes crying over jeans that didn't fit, or something much worse.

Being shot by Jerry Gaza. A truly unique moment in time.  Not only was this a full circle moment for Jerry and I, but this was the first photo shoot I've done without a meltdown. At all. Shot by my patient partner in crime, Nathan. 

These Boots Are Made For Walking (And Running, and Jumping, and Standing Still)--Llynda Moore Boots

Hi, readers!

A while ago, I was introduced to a new designer, Llynda Moore.  (For those of my underground music fan readers, you may have heard of her brother, R. Stevie Moore.) Llynda is a former Miss Tennessee, and has gone on to Las Vegas to work as a singer. Realizing that she needed a boot that was comfortable, as well as versatile, and fit properly, she invented her patented design.

Llynda reached out to me to ask if I would model her boots, and give her an honest opinion about them. As someone who wears a good four-six inch heel nearly every day of my life, I have grown accustomed to the standard heel problems that most women face.  If your platform isn't built solidly enough, you'll wobble.  If your stiletto is poorly crafted, it will almost "grip" the concrete, every time you go to take a step.  And with boots, the number one complaint from most women is that it is practically impossible to find a boot that not only fits their calves, but their foot as well.  As a stylist, I am always trying to talk my clients into wearing even just a slight heel for photo shoots and performances.  The right shoe can take up to ten pounds off your figure if styled correctly.  And as for live photos, heels make you appear to be slinky and larger than life as opposed to duck footed, and a bit frumpy.  But, my girls always complain, and even in the most comfortable of all heels, they will kick them off towards the end of their shows.  So, I knew if Llynda were telling me the truth, then I would have a product in my back pocket that would revolutionize my clients' lives forever.

Llynda Moore boots come in two parts: the ankle boot, and the boot top.  The ankle boot is your standard shoe size, and the boot top comes in many different sizes to fit your calf circumference.  This not only guarantees a perfect fit every single time, but gives you the options of 30 different looks in one pair of boots. Too good to be true, right?  And what about my stance on cruelty free fashion choices? They're vegan.  Every single boot top is reversible, so your options automatically double.  The heels come in three sizes: a low heel, a tapered heel, and a stiletto.  I asked for the stiletto, and as for the boot tops, I asked for the black sequin, which reverses into a classic black "leather" and the leopard ones (because leopard is my favorite neutral) that does as well.

Skeptical doesn't even begin to describe my feelings prior to receiving my boots.  I did my research like a good fashion nerd, and was a bit thrown off by the advertising.  As someone used to either glossy magazine ads, or the wonderful talent that Nashville designers have in their Instagram and fantastic social media campaigns, the website definitely made me question the legitimacy of the boots I was to be receiving.  Upon further digging, I found out that the majority of her boots were sold through Independent Representatives.  Thoughts of bad Tupperware parties, and invites to join whatever the latest miracle weight loss drug groups were creeped up.  Independent Representatives screamed of old ladies hawking Mary Kay out of their homes, not a young and hip audience that wear  cool boots on stage!  I'll admit, I was already sort of ready to write them off as yet another item of clothing that a designer had given me that would live in the bottom of my closet, collecting dust...until I opened them. 

As I pulled the ankle boot out of the box, I was flabbergasted at how much these shoes felt like real leather.  The term "vegan leather" is usually reserved for fabrics made of cheap plastic and lost dreams.  They even smelled like real leather! As I stuck my hand into the ankle boot part to remove the packing materials, I was met with a foam insole at least an inch thick.  I later learned that it was removable and washable...I suddenly thought back to all the nights I had spent dousing performance shoes with vodka to remove the odors caused by sweaty feet.  How wonderful would it be to remove the smelly part, and replace it with a new one! So, I slipped my foot in and zipped up.  I am normally a 9.5 US shoe, and these were a 10. They fit nearly perfectly. And then I stood.  As I did a lap around the kitchen, I was gobsmacked.  How on earth is a 6 inch stiletto heel the most comfortable shoe I have ever worn in my life?  Surely it couldn't be!  I placed them back in the box, as I knew I was going out that night.  They were going to get a test drive.

The boyfriend and I went out to hear our friends play a rock show that night.  I knew it would be the perfect opportunity to see if these boots could hold up over walking several blocks from the parking lot, to standing on concrete for an extended period of time.  I wore the black sequin boot tops for a bit of sparkle, and paired them with black tights, tuxedo shorts, and a white button down.  The trek from the car to the venue was easy as can be...no weird gripping on concrete like a normal stiletto would. Within seconds upon entering, I was stopped twice.  "Oh, my God! Those boots are amazing!" and "Sick boots, babe!" When I told them that they were a new boot and were not only comfortable, but reversible, I could see buzzed minds blown.  I demonstrated the magnetic clasp that held the boot to the boot top to several of my friends, and they were all intrigued.  Most of my friends being musicians on a budget, any way to find a solution to make the most out of your footwear is always appealing! We stood for about an hour and a half, and no sign of foot, back, or knee pain crept in like it normally would have by that point.  And then, the ultimate test!  I strutted off to the bathroom to see a man about a horse, and was stopped by a very very drunk girl.  It's sort of girls' bathroom code that drunk girls always tell the truth.  As this gal leaned over the sink to splash water on her face, she straightened her hair as she caught my eye in the mirror.  She gave me the once-over, and stopped when she got to my boots.  "Those boots are sick, man.  Like, those are rockstar boots." Her slightly more sober friend popped out of the stall to check out my fancy footwear, and agreed.  "You look so put together and cool." I managed to make it the rest of the night in the shoes. I experienced no pain, and received numerous compliments.

Worn just as a great basic ankle boot under trousers is a great option as well! 

I have worn the Llynda Moore boots now pretty much every day since. I have had long work days in which I wanted to still feel pretty and stylish, but be comfortable, and those boots have served that purpose. I've already told all of my friends and clients who perform on stage about these revolutionary new boots.  When I explained to them that they would never have to worry about fit or falling off their heels at their gigs, they are over the moon! It happens more often than you think. 

I also have drummed in them for a good hour and a half with no problems whatsoever. Great for my clients on stage! 

For more information about how you can get a pair of boots for yourself, send me a message on my website:

www.ThePaytonProject.com/contact

or go to www.llyndamooreboots.com 

and elevate your fall/winter boot game from "Meh" to "On point!" in less than the time it takes Nancy Sinatra to learn how to dance properly.  Tell her I sent you.

https://youtu.be/SbyAZQ45uww 

How To Rock The Patchwork Trend: Fall 2015

Hey, readers!

Lots of excitement going on at the Payton Project headquarters! Runway shows, photo shoots, styling gigs, and much more is happening! It's ALL happening!

Speaking of "It's All Happening" Let's talk about Fall 2015 trends that are going to make people scratch their heads.  I'll tackle one every few weeks or so and show you how I personally like to style it, and how you can incorporate the look into your life to fit your needs.

It's no secret that the 70's are "in" again.  I attribute this to trends being a 20 year cyclical thing in fashion in general.  If not 20, then 40.  (For instance, in the 90's, there was a big surge of 70's inspired fashion, and the 90's were twenty years ago...stop to feel like an old fart here...and in the 80's, there was a lot of clear 1940's inspiration happening...think Joan Crawford shoulder pads on Dynasty.) So because everything 90's is "soooo retro" here we are.

I have mixed feelings about this being hip as a whole. I for one, have been dressing like it is 1973 for about the last ten years of my life.  That era has always resonated with me, and I found that the clothes were flattering for my body and lifestyle.  So I stuck with it.  I went through my phase of wearing truly terrible polyester vintage dresses (and I still have some) and part of me still will always wish for that time period of effortless glam.  So, I get why it's back.

It's also a bit odd for me to see sorority girls in bell bottoms and kimonos with Led Zeppelin t-shirts and big floppy hats...it seems a bit like "false advertising" as one of my fellow vintage enthusiast friends said of girls he was trying to date.  But, nonetheless, it's here.  And while the general rule stands that if you can buy the item at a fast fashion chain ala Forever 21 or H&M, the trend is dead...I like to look to the runways! Paying attention to the shows for next season will help you get a head start on what you wish to bring to your style to the table for the upcoming season.  Luckily enough for me, the high fashion trends are inspired by vintage clothes...most of which I've had hanging in my closet for years!  Today, I am going to talk about one that was seen all over the Fall 2015 runways.  Patchwork!

Fall 2015: Burberry, Chloe, Lanvin 

And then there's these babies! Prada made these for their Fall 2015 collection.  Imagine my shock when I realized I had my version of the originals in my closet! 

These booties are sold at Neiman Marcus. It said to inquire for the price in store.  Which means...ridiculously expensive!

And here are mine.  These were a thrift store purchase in 2006.  I paid fifteen dollars for them.  I've managed to keep them in good shape over time.  Make sure when you are purchasing vintage footwear, you have something that is sturdy, or you might as well be throwing money out the window.

These cost me $15 9 years ago. Which means, cost per wear? They've paid for themselves...three times or more over!

Because I work in a creative field, and I work for myself, I am pretty free to wear whatever I want, as long as it translates to "I can make you look cool on your album cover/for your show." or whatever message I am trying to communicate to my clients.  In my personal style, I am trying to stay away from my familiar and comfortable bohemian style, and go for more of a Jane Birkin in the 70's/Jerry Hall vibe.  I am leaning more towards tailored things, going a little lighter on the makeup (for me) and am trying to perfect that effortless chic of French 70's fashion.  It's only a slight step to the side, but it is nice to walk in to a room in a tailored suit that's full of fringe kimonos from Wet Seal.  

So, how did I wear them?  My lovely photographer parter, Nathan managed to snap a few photos to show you.  

Me and My Arrow. And my patchwork boots.

I paired my dark skinny jeans with one of his button downs with the sleeves rolled up at first.  If you guys follow me on Instagram (@PayTripper) you will see my gold 70's tassle necklaces that I am obsessed with (This one is from Pura Vida Vintage--one of my favorites) I threw a long one on over along with my gold cuff, and a cocktail ring for some added glamor.  You should always wear ONE thing a day at least that makes you feel glamorous!  But then, I really wanted to wear my latest score...a vintage purple Halston cropped jacket that I picked up while thrifting.  It fits me like a glove!  This shade of purple is also everywhere this fall.  Try using it in place of navy.  It's more versatile than you think..

Best $6.99 I've spent in ages.  

     For my friends that work in an office environment that want to try this out, I recommend sticking to ONE piece of patchwork, and letting that be the main focus.  I'm seeing a lot of great patchwork flats, and even handbags right now.  Try pairing a pair of trousers with a cropped jacket, and adding a patchwork bootie instead of a black flat.  Get a great oversized patchwork tote in warm brown colors instead of your basic briefcase.  Have fun with it!  

The Prada python patchwork bag. White tee, plus a gorgeous dark wash trouser jean, big sunglasses, and this bag.  An instant touch of effortless chic. 

I'm even beginning to see this trend manifest itself in denim patchwork...even so much as to seeing a high fashion version of the 90's Jnco jeans.  I'm still not quire sure how I feel about it.  (Besides old.) 

This trend can go from fun and chic to costumey really quickly, though.  So proceed with caution!

#NeverForget

Have fun with it, guys! Do you think you'll be adding patchwork pieces to your wardrobe this Fall?  Will you be investing in the Prada pieces or digging through your mom's closet to see if she has the originals?  Let me know in the comments below how you feel about it!

Also, because I didn't want the Spears/Timberlake photo to be the one I left you with, here's a gratuitous family shot of my favorite photographer slash doggie co-parent , Nathan Cox, and our little one.  Two of my favorite men.  (And well dressed to boot.)

Follow me on Instagram for more: @PayTripper