What a crazy few weeks I have been through! I got back from my Beatles festival I go to every year, Abbey Road on the River (www.AbbeyRoadontheRiver.com) and have had a terribly difficult time adjusting to the real world back home ever since.
Do you ever have a moment where you question something you believe? Do you ever have an extended period of time like that? How about a whole year? That's where I'm at right now.
I started the year with a clear plan for where my life was going. I was settled into a routine that was based on mediocrity and lying to myself. I saw where it was headed. I didn't like it. So, I changed it. Perhaps it's my inner Virgo coming out, or the fact that I need to feel in control over situations to feel comfortable with any given situation. Perhaps it's the fact that humans need some sort of consistency to feel at ease. Although I knew in the back of my mind that I was making the right choices (or so I thought), I felt like I was anything but grounded.
If anything this year has taught me thus far, it's this: YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL, PAYTON! There are things that have come my way that I am convinced is the universe or God or whatever you want to call it metaphorically slapping me across the face to remind me of this fact. I have had money stolen right out of my wallet (money that was factored into the most tightly controlled budget...because there I go, trying to control things again!) I have literally had to stop people from stealing everything out of my car as well. Talk about unnerving! Aside from material possessions, I have lost my sense of security, walking the streets with my bag clutched to my chest, and if I had something in my wallet to steal, I would protect that too. I have lost some of my faith in the human race, robbed of my belief that mostly everybody is good and we should trust them all. That is what hurts the worst. I can't pay bills with trust, but it helps me to sleep better at night...when I do sleep at all.
In learning that I am not in control over most things, I am learning more and more with every step of the way. Coming from the mentality that I am an independent woman, and taking pride in that fact, I have figured out how to navigate this world to the best of my ability with nothing but the skill of using my talents to get ahead, I somehow translated this to "I must not be vulnerable. I must not cry." This resulted in me masking my feelings by throwing myself into new endeavors and eventually being so overwhelmed with emotion that my coffee pot breaking down sent me into a near panic attack, and getting a sandwich down the street at my favorite lunch spot that was served to me with cheese on it made me burst out into tears...here's a lesson. Deal with your emotions, or you look like the girl who cries over cheese.
"I DIDN'T WANT CHEESE! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH YOUR MOLD?! WHYYYYYY? WHY CHEEEEESE???!"
There's that expression that John Lennon penned: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." And I can't help but repeat that to myself over and over again, almost as some sort of mantra. I've had to accept the fact that my life is probably not going to go according to the way I planned it. I may or may not end up settled into my career and married by the age of 25 like I had hoped, so I could start my family at age 30, just as I have always written in journals since I was a child. (I used to think I was going to marry Davy Jones too, and we saw how that plan worked out) I have never ever been able to accept the "Be here now" way of life, instead always straining my neck, trying to look over the fence at tomorrow, I have stopped appreciating where I am at in this moment. I was speaking to someone who has been a crucial part of this journey with me, when they said "You need to give yourself some credit. Look at what you've done. Look at what you've been through." and I thought about it. And damn, the woman I was two years ago couldn't handle it. And who knows, the woman I may be two years from now may not be able to either. Between the finances, the burning bridges (bridges I thought were indestructible) loved ones sicker than I could ever imagine, feeling helpless in that aspect...no wonder I was sobbing over swiss!
When I was at my festival, I was in heaven. Even though I felt like my "safe place" had been violated by an intruder, I was surrounded by the unconditional love of my chosen family, and some of my oldest friends---the music that kept me company through good and bad. There is a porch that wraps around one of the floors of the hotel, and over the last seven years of my life, I have had some of the most memorable, profound, utterly stupid, and incredible times of my life in that one spot. I have watched sunrises, sunsets, and shooting stars with people from all over the world on this one balcony. It's usually good for realizations and "aha!" moments. I won't drop names as to who was with me, but I was amongst friends...new and old...very talented ones at that. I was going into the story of the journey I had been on. As I was gabbing on and on, a small bird hopped across the ground at our feet, and he twittered about, hopping from one crumb to another, eating up all of our crumbs we had dropped. Freakishly talented friend leaned over to me as he pointed at the bird.
"Do ya see that bird, Pay?"
"Yeah."
"See how it hops from crumb to crumb?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think the bird worries about where its next meal is coming from? Or forgetting how to fly?"
"Well...no..."
"Exactly. You are the same as that bird. You don't need to worry. Just as the bird is taken care of, so will you."
Spreading my "Wings" with Steve Holly
And just like that, I exhaled. A real exhale. Like a yoga exhale. One where you can feel everything leave your body, and you feel empty in the best way possible. In the moments that I will have to face in these upcoming months, I will have to keep reminding myself of that slice of time over and over until I can get it through my brain.
"Free as a bird, it's the next best thing to be....free as a bird..."
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