Unintentionally Intimidating: The Payton Kemp Story

Two posts in a week, readers! Aren't you the lucky ones? No, but really...

Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent the afternoon with my mother and Arrow having lunch at my favorite vegan eatery in town.  As we chowed down, I leaned in and asked her the question that would spark a nearly two hour conversation.

"Mom, has anyone ever told you you were intimidating?"

"Oh, always."

"Yeah...me too. I've had two people tell me this week I was. Weird."

My partner told me a few days ago that I was intimidating.  I laughed. I laughed hard. I was standing in the kitchen with no makeup, my hair all over my head, washing dishes in tree pose and wearing sweat pants. So scary. When I prodded him for further, he said it was because I was pretty, because I was pretty sure of myself, and I am terribly opinionated, and tend to voice these opinions probably more often than I should.

My friend Andy said the same thing.  I met Andy at a record collector's show nearly three years ago. I was waiting on a friend of mine who was late, and I went ahead and started looking without him. I was the token girl in the bunch (as usual) and someone mentioned Henry Mancini. I looked over and saw Andy holding the "Charade" soundtrack and I said "Oh, I love his 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' soundtrack. I get ready to it all the time." and I saw him tense up a bit, look at me like I had three heads, and then proceed to proceed with caution. By the time we started making jokes about The Seekers and I broke the ice by singing "Georgy Girl" at him, we were fine. When I asked Andy later why anyone would tell me I was intimidating, he said "Pretty girls don't talk to me. Also someone who is so super sure of themselves can come off as intimidating, but that's not a bad thing per se."

When I asked one of my best friends in the world about this same subject, he responded with "Of course you're intimidating. When I met you, I was scared to death! You're 6 foot 100 and are smart, and witty, and have the best taste in music of any woman I have ever met. Now, of course, knowing you, I realize you're a big geek like the rest of us, and you're not so bad."But, he finished it off with "This is why all of your friends' girlfriends hate you." So there's that. 

I've seen what intimidation does to the other side of the coin first hand. My mom is stunningly beautiful.  She looks like she could be my older sister, not my mother.  She is always dressed really well, make up done, and looks her best whenever possible.  I get this from her.  When I would go to school functions, I saw her isolated by other parents, and even at my sister's soccer games, the "soccer moms" would say "Oh, look, the Kardashians are here." (My mom does kind of resemble Kris Jenner) instead of saying "Wow, Kelly is such a beautiful woman. I admire the fact that she's had two kids and still takes time to make herself feel good." it made them feel bad about themselves. So, they lashed out.  From about 20 on, this has been my life story too. 

I spent my morning singing Monkees songs at the top of my lungs, I spent my afternoon talking with a fellow stylist about the importance of lycra, I genuinely can not wait to get home and start a new book that I got for my birthday. I was more excited over owning pants with Mick Jagger's face on them than I was about mostly anything yesterday. I had a conversation this morning that was nothing but puns.  I tripped on my own feet this morning. Twice.  These don't scream someone who is intimidating to me.  It screams "Giant nerd with coordination problem!"

I mean, it's kind of hard to not get excited over pants with Mick Jagger's face on them when you're as big of a geek as I am.

I had to stop and think.  When was the last time I was truly intimidated by someone? I saw a beautiful woman come into the store I manage the other day.  She was a few inches taller than I, and terribly thin with beautiful bone structure, great hair, and a bag I had been lusting after for years now.  She went and tried on an outfit, and came out, saying "I would kill for your body. I can never fill out clothes like you could." And that's when I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be threatened by. Or there was the period where I was dating terribly broke musicians.  One in particular had a group of five or six different guys that were all in his same boat...struggling to make it on their own, so they had very wealthy significant others to take care of them.  To a young woman like me (one in which that concept was more foreign than patchouli in a room full of Chanel) I suddenly felt like I wasn't good enough to date, because I wasn't able to support not only myself, but any future partner who may come around.  After that, all women who made more money than I intimidated me. 

I think women are programmed to be in competition with each other.  The Feminine is not meant to be in this state of mind.  As women, we are supposed to be nurturing, caring, open, and appreciate the differences in each other.  Instead, we are constantly trying to out-do the other. If someone more attractive (or in my case, who made more money than I) came along and starts talking to your boyfriend? Oh, forget it.  No matter what the person is really like, that woman is a bitch. At least that's what our insecurities tell us.

I wonder how much of the world we are missing out on because we are intimidated.  I wonder how many friends I would have had if either one of us weren't too scared to say something.  I wonder how many trips people would have taken, how many terrible day jobs would have been left behind to peruse a passion if being scared of the unknown hadn't sunk in.  And what I really wonder, is how many people have settled in any area of their life because of it.

When I think about this, I think about that scene from an episode of "Sex and the City" in which all of the girls go through the line to say congratulations to their newly married friends.  The bride bids them farewell with the standard "Thank you so much for coming. You're next." etc. etc. and when she gets to Carrie, she hugs her, and says:

"It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them."

Have I been guilty of letting something scare the living daylights out of me? Yep. Have I not gone after what I wanted because of it? Yep. One of my friends told me that FEAR was "False Expectations Appearing Real" How many times had I played it safe? How many times had I talked myself out of speaking to an attractive person because I "wasn't good enough" or "smart enough" or "rich enough".  How many times had I dated beneath me in looks, brains, or goals because I was worried I wasn't worthy, and that if I went after someone like that, surely they would leave me because that's terrifying? More times than I could count on my toes, your toes, and Mr. Arrow's (and he has four paws, so that's a lot.) 

The world tells you to be confident, but don't accept compliments, it scares people, and means you aren't humble. The world tells you to be beautiful, but not too beautiful, because that scares people.  The world tells you to put effort in to your appearance, but if you do too much, you must be a snob.  (If it is, then call me a snob. I've been called worse) So, for me to be a bit larger than life (in all areas...height, hair...hair height...personality) probably is super intimidating.  I finally understand where they are coming from. 

I am actually an introvert with extroverted tendencies in spite of what most of the world sees. If I am comfortable in a situation and feel like I have some sort of control, I am personable, charming, and relaxed.  If not, I clam up, shut up, and shut down.  I go into my head where it is safe...it is full of glitter and rainbows and rockstars up there.  Nothing can hurt me there. I was also raised in an environment where I was around a lot of "somebodies" who were older than I am that lived very exciting lives that weren't foreign to other people. For me to speak to one of them about Oprah being filmed in my store the other day, they have been there done that.  For someone who didn't come from the same background? They accused me of bragging, and being "too good for them." (intimidation?)  I developed a way of speaking to adults, and important people in "the business", and to this day, can speak to an artist, photographer, engineer, stylist, etc. with no problem at all.  Put me in a room with a bunch of people my own age who do "normal" things? I have nothing to contribute to this conversation.  A lot of people often mistake this for me being insincere or rude, when really, I am just examine the situation to see if there's any place for me in it. I also tend to look people up and down when I speak to them.  I am looking at their hair, their nails, their shoes, clothes, eye makeup, jewelry, whatever...this isn't because I am judging them, this is because I am taking it all in.  I have always been naturally curious (ever since I was a kid...I used to look at everything all of the time, and didn't speak until I was four...not because I couldn't, but because I simply didn't have anything of interest to say) I can see how this being mysterious and bitchy thing comes into play. Although, as my dear friend did say:

I thought about the friends I had who were truly intimidated upon meeting me...the ones who are a crucial part of my life today...The ones who accept all of my glitter trails, music geekdom, and the fact that in order to change batteries in a smoke detector, all I need to do is put on a pair of heels to reach.  These are good quality people...and the fact that in spite of being "intimidated" by me, they still tried to get to know the real me shows me that I need to be more brave when it comes to situations that I am not necessarily over the moon about.  Like everything, it's a work in progress.

I'm glad I didn't scare them all too badly. My life would sure be boring without them.

Life Lessons From 22

Well, readers, I am on the last day of one of the most insane years of my life thus far.  A lot of you will say, "Oh, pshhht. 22? You're just a baby. What have you possibly gone through that warrants this post?"

22 has been the most challenging year of my life.  I have had to question every belief I have ever had, fallen in love with myself, fallen out of love with myself, and much more.  I have lost everything, gained it back, lost it again, been robbed of money, friendship, and most importantly, trust.  I have had thousands of dollars, and I have dug for quarters to pay for gas.  I have been to both coasts in a matter of three months.  I have stayed in five star hotel suites with unlimited room service in some of the most beautiful parts of the country.  I have sat in the floor of my house with nothing but beans and rice with just me and the cockroaches.  I was engaged, and then I was single, and then I was in a relationship again.  I had nothing, and then a dog found me.  I had promises of being a millionaire's trophy wife, and then I had an overdrawn bank account.  I hated my body, then loved it, then hated it again. I went up and down.  I hung out with rock stars,  and then I couldn't get any one of my so called friends to return my calls.  I quit my job, was a bonafide freelancer, and then managed to manifest my dream job. I gained some of my best friends, and then lost some.

Nothing is more exhausting to me than extreme highs and lows.  So, needless to say, when anyone saw me this year, I was either on the verge of passing out from sheer exhaustion, or drinking a coffee the size of my head.

In the middle of this process, I went through the cliched "spiritual awakening" This included studying for hours about psychology, spirituality, yoga practice, and much more.  It is impossible to go through an awakening of this nature without gaining some sort of knowledge.  As I flipped through the journal I started on January 29th, I realized something.  I had learned more this year than any other year.  Here is what I learned:

Then again, doing yoga and aligning chakras is incredibly difficult when you have a bundle of cuteness next to you. 

Love is a choice...Love is a verb. 
Of course, there's the old expression "You can't help who you fall in love with."  and that is true.  However, falling and actively loving are two completely different things. To love is to be in the act of appreciation.  Love is first, energy, then what it manifests vibrates in positive focus and appreciation.  It's really easy in the modern society we live in to be in a mindset of "Grass is greener." With the internet at our fingertips, it's terribly easy to compare your relationships to others.  "Oh, so and so just posted that they are with their mother on a vacation, their relationship must be perfect." Or, "Oh, the girl from high school just got engaged to her gorgeous boyfriend with a ring the size of her head.  Her life must be so great." And if we don't water our own grass, one day, our lawn is going to be dried up and dead.  Instead of peeking over other fences, we should instead, turn on our own sprinklers. When we focus on appreciating our partners with positive focus, love for them will come much easier.  As will love for ourselves.  And we can choose where we focus our energy on. At first, love chooses you, and then you must choose to keep it alive. Words are wonderful, and the right loving words can move the darkest of clouds on the bleakest day, but unless someone puts their actions behind what they are saying, the words have no weight.  Love is an action. Love is a verb.

The time I flew to Jersey on a day's notice with no money, because I needed to be with my family, we walked along the Jersey Shore at midnight. 

 It is not wrong to desire.  Desire is good.
The world makes us ashamed of our desires.  Spiritual teachers and gurus say that desire is bad, because it never ends.  The fact that desire never ends isn't a problem! The desire for progression and growth is healthy.  No desire ever killed anybody, unless they thought they couldn't have it.  A lot of people thought I was clinically insane for choosing to quit my job in February.  I DESIRED a job that would make me fulfilled, encourage creativity, let me be myself, and in return, share my passion with other like minded individuals.  I wrote down exactly what I wanted.  I wrote down how many days I wanted to work, the neighborhood I wanted to work in, how much I wanted to start off with, and the requirements I desired out of my job.  I had several people start to prod at me for "laziness" or "having a huge ego" in waiting for what I desired.  I knew it was coming.  I acted like it was on its way.  I'm not going to lie to you, readers.  The waiting was terrible.  I was thrown into a deep depression when I started to feel financial pressures, and something like a check not arriving when it was supposed to for work I had already completed? That was enough to send me to bed all day.  I still kept the faith.  I was not destined to sit at a desk in a cubicle.  Let others lead that life.  But not me.  I know that if you don't achieve what you desire, the universe doesn't get to expand! If you don't line up with what you want, you can't give birth to new desires.  It is in the universe's best interest to line up with what you project, so the universe can grow and move forward! If we as a human race never desired for anything--be it knowledge, or the quest for cures for medical ailments, or the songs that never would have been written if it weren't for desire. (And let's face it, what's more important than a damn good song? Not much.) I have also learned that I can not surround myself with people who are complacent and have no desire to better themselves. I think that as a race, we are constantly evolving, and need to constantly strive to better ourselves...spiritually more than anything, yes.  But when we stop chasing after our
dreams, we die.

I used to desire a closet full of Betsey Johnson dresses. A work in progress, but here's my favorite. 

I desired a small fluffy shih-tzu like my sweet baby I lost. Here he is at my dream job. 

The day I filmed Oprah at work. 

It is not a disadvantage to be a woman, it is a privilege. 
As an American Woman (I bet you started singing, didn't you?) I am bombarded every damn day of my life with articles about how women are at a disadvantage, be it financially or otherwise.  Now, given, I don't live in a country where they mutilate my gender's genitalia, I am a woman in America.  And being a woman is the greatest thing ever! Instead of fighting the feminine traits that the world tends to frown upon, I have embraced them.  I could go on and on about the breakdown of the family unit, and my views on modern day "feminism", but this is deeper than that.  This is about the Divine Feminine.  Woman's purpose is to nurture, inspire, to literally bring forth life.  We are not meant to perform the same roles our counterparts do, and we certainly aren't meant to do them as a man would.  Femininity is not weakness. Our culture puts so much shame on being a woman.  My body doesn't betray me, nor is it anything I should be ashamed of. My cycle doesn't make me weak, or "crabby".  It makes me more intuitive, more aware of everything.  Instead of making an enemy of what most consider weak: vulnerability, irrationality, and being emotional, I embrace it.  Being upset with a woman for having emotions is like really wanting a car, and getting upset that it came with an engine.  Being a woman is incredible.  On a spiritual level, being born female is a blessing.  How wonderful it is that I get to be so in touch with my body, my mind! How beautiful it is to be vulnerable, intuitive, sensitive, nurturing, and inspiring! And how wonderful to be able to appreciate men for the qualities they have that I don't, only to have them value my differences back! To be put on a pedestal and worshipped as a goddess instead of fighting about what is different...That is where I have found peace. I'm not speaking literally me standing on a pillar and having men fan me with tree branches while they feed me grapes.  (Although, I do love grapes) Instead of focusing on how "It's a Man's World" and embracing my true womanhood, I have gained more respect, instead of feeling like I am fighting it. In this, I have attracted a few more like minded female friends (something I have never had before) and for that, I am grateful. It is good for the soul.

LA with CSN and company. Dream dress, All access pass. Who would have thunk?

Six year old Payton could only dream of having cocktails with the Monkees. 

Roger Manning Jr and Jason Falkner of Jellyfish in MY Mother Church for the Beck show. I got paid to do this?? 

I am a judgmental bitch. 
I am fully aware of this.  I am a huge judgmental bitch.  I judge people on their looks, their taste in music, how much they drink, how bad their tattoos are, if they are a dog or cat person, their diet, their shoes...This comes from me mostly being the hardest critic on myself.  It's true.  From someone who has dealt with most of the "self esteem" related diseases...BDD, eating disorders, social anxiety, depression...You name it.  I think that most people (at least the ones I have discussed this with) do suffer from Judgy-Bitch syndrome, but they rarely vocalize it.  My lack of filter is great in a lot of ways, and my true friends appreciate and love this about me. When I started really embracing my feminine energy, a lot of this went away. Most of my judgement is on myself. I could be taller, I could be thinner, I could be prettier...stuff most women go through. The other night, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and wore a crop top that I didn't feel stellar in, and I was picking myself apart all night. I demand so much of myself...I have always strived for perfection.  Perhaps it was an exposure to Hollywood starlets, or the fact that I have seen perfection personified in my job. I don't like imperfections or flaws. I have a legitimate fat phobia, and I refuse to buy jeans that are a double digit ever again. I understand that these are all things I need to work on, but this is what contributes to Judgy-Bitch syndrome.  There's usually a reason behind every comment I make that makes someone uncomfortable....usually.  Like I judge people who drink a lot because I had an alcoholic stepmother for a good portion of my childhood, when people don't put effort into their appearance, it irritates me because this means this will become acceptable, and my job is threatened. Stuff like that.

However, bad taste in music and shoes, there are just no excuses for these. :) I am slowly trying to learn to keep my mouth shut in mixed company, and bitch about what's bugging me to a fellow "bitch" if you will. I said I would get better, I never promised a 180! Ha!

January 28th 2014--The day I took my freedom back. Celebrating with bitch face and booze. 

22 wasn't all bad as a matter of fact, readers.  It was exhausting for the most part. It was also nothing like I had dreamed it would be.  It has been better for the most part.  And, sure, my inner Virgo doesn't like this place of transition, but I have travelled places I have never seen, lived some incredible experiences that no one else has had the privilege of. I filmed a segment for Oprah. I have the most perfect little fur child in the world for me.  And I have a pretty fantastic, emotionally mature partner who shows me he loves me every day.  I'm fitting back into my "skinny" clothes more often than not, and in spite of losing so much this year, I have gained more friends, more love, and life lessons that I wouldn't trade for the world. 23 looks like a lot of good concerts, working on my career, my yoga practice, and writing the life that I want. But, there's another thing I have learned from 22...sometimes life gives you not what you want, but something much greater.

And sometimes, life gives you someone who will hug you so tight, all of your pieces come back together. Someone who will accept all of your imperfections, glitter, and even embrace the dog that makes him a look little bit less masculine than a German Shepherd when he walks him, and one that will order you Mick Jagger yoga pants, because he understands.

Cheers, readers!