Unintentionally Intimidating: The Payton Kemp Story

Two posts in a week, readers! Aren't you the lucky ones? No, but really...

Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent the afternoon with my mother and Arrow having lunch at my favorite vegan eatery in town.  As we chowed down, I leaned in and asked her the question that would spark a nearly two hour conversation.

"Mom, has anyone ever told you you were intimidating?"

"Oh, always."

"Yeah...me too. I've had two people tell me this week I was. Weird."

My partner told me a few days ago that I was intimidating.  I laughed. I laughed hard. I was standing in the kitchen with no makeup, my hair all over my head, washing dishes in tree pose and wearing sweat pants. So scary. When I prodded him for further, he said it was because I was pretty, because I was pretty sure of myself, and I am terribly opinionated, and tend to voice these opinions probably more often than I should.

My friend Andy said the same thing.  I met Andy at a record collector's show nearly three years ago. I was waiting on a friend of mine who was late, and I went ahead and started looking without him. I was the token girl in the bunch (as usual) and someone mentioned Henry Mancini. I looked over and saw Andy holding the "Charade" soundtrack and I said "Oh, I love his 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' soundtrack. I get ready to it all the time." and I saw him tense up a bit, look at me like I had three heads, and then proceed to proceed with caution. By the time we started making jokes about The Seekers and I broke the ice by singing "Georgy Girl" at him, we were fine. When I asked Andy later why anyone would tell me I was intimidating, he said "Pretty girls don't talk to me. Also someone who is so super sure of themselves can come off as intimidating, but that's not a bad thing per se."

When I asked one of my best friends in the world about this same subject, he responded with "Of course you're intimidating. When I met you, I was scared to death! You're 6 foot 100 and are smart, and witty, and have the best taste in music of any woman I have ever met. Now, of course, knowing you, I realize you're a big geek like the rest of us, and you're not so bad."But, he finished it off with "This is why all of your friends' girlfriends hate you." So there's that. 

I've seen what intimidation does to the other side of the coin first hand. My mom is stunningly beautiful.  She looks like she could be my older sister, not my mother.  She is always dressed really well, make up done, and looks her best whenever possible.  I get this from her.  When I would go to school functions, I saw her isolated by other parents, and even at my sister's soccer games, the "soccer moms" would say "Oh, look, the Kardashians are here." (My mom does kind of resemble Kris Jenner) instead of saying "Wow, Kelly is such a beautiful woman. I admire the fact that she's had two kids and still takes time to make herself feel good." it made them feel bad about themselves. So, they lashed out.  From about 20 on, this has been my life story too. 

I spent my morning singing Monkees songs at the top of my lungs, I spent my afternoon talking with a fellow stylist about the importance of lycra, I genuinely can not wait to get home and start a new book that I got for my birthday. I was more excited over owning pants with Mick Jagger's face on them than I was about mostly anything yesterday. I had a conversation this morning that was nothing but puns.  I tripped on my own feet this morning. Twice.  These don't scream someone who is intimidating to me.  It screams "Giant nerd with coordination problem!"

I mean, it's kind of hard to not get excited over pants with Mick Jagger's face on them when you're as big of a geek as I am.

I had to stop and think.  When was the last time I was truly intimidated by someone? I saw a beautiful woman come into the store I manage the other day.  She was a few inches taller than I, and terribly thin with beautiful bone structure, great hair, and a bag I had been lusting after for years now.  She went and tried on an outfit, and came out, saying "I would kill for your body. I can never fill out clothes like you could." And that's when I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be threatened by. Or there was the period where I was dating terribly broke musicians.  One in particular had a group of five or six different guys that were all in his same boat...struggling to make it on their own, so they had very wealthy significant others to take care of them.  To a young woman like me (one in which that concept was more foreign than patchouli in a room full of Chanel) I suddenly felt like I wasn't good enough to date, because I wasn't able to support not only myself, but any future partner who may come around.  After that, all women who made more money than I intimidated me. 

I think women are programmed to be in competition with each other.  The Feminine is not meant to be in this state of mind.  As women, we are supposed to be nurturing, caring, open, and appreciate the differences in each other.  Instead, we are constantly trying to out-do the other. If someone more attractive (or in my case, who made more money than I) came along and starts talking to your boyfriend? Oh, forget it.  No matter what the person is really like, that woman is a bitch. At least that's what our insecurities tell us.

I wonder how much of the world we are missing out on because we are intimidated.  I wonder how many friends I would have had if either one of us weren't too scared to say something.  I wonder how many trips people would have taken, how many terrible day jobs would have been left behind to peruse a passion if being scared of the unknown hadn't sunk in.  And what I really wonder, is how many people have settled in any area of their life because of it.

When I think about this, I think about that scene from an episode of "Sex and the City" in which all of the girls go through the line to say congratulations to their newly married friends.  The bride bids them farewell with the standard "Thank you so much for coming. You're next." etc. etc. and when she gets to Carrie, she hugs her, and says:

"It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them."

Have I been guilty of letting something scare the living daylights out of me? Yep. Have I not gone after what I wanted because of it? Yep. One of my friends told me that FEAR was "False Expectations Appearing Real" How many times had I played it safe? How many times had I talked myself out of speaking to an attractive person because I "wasn't good enough" or "smart enough" or "rich enough".  How many times had I dated beneath me in looks, brains, or goals because I was worried I wasn't worthy, and that if I went after someone like that, surely they would leave me because that's terrifying? More times than I could count on my toes, your toes, and Mr. Arrow's (and he has four paws, so that's a lot.) 

The world tells you to be confident, but don't accept compliments, it scares people, and means you aren't humble. The world tells you to be beautiful, but not too beautiful, because that scares people.  The world tells you to put effort in to your appearance, but if you do too much, you must be a snob.  (If it is, then call me a snob. I've been called worse) So, for me to be a bit larger than life (in all areas...height, hair...hair height...personality) probably is super intimidating.  I finally understand where they are coming from. 

I am actually an introvert with extroverted tendencies in spite of what most of the world sees. If I am comfortable in a situation and feel like I have some sort of control, I am personable, charming, and relaxed.  If not, I clam up, shut up, and shut down.  I go into my head where it is safe...it is full of glitter and rainbows and rockstars up there.  Nothing can hurt me there. I was also raised in an environment where I was around a lot of "somebodies" who were older than I am that lived very exciting lives that weren't foreign to other people. For me to speak to one of them about Oprah being filmed in my store the other day, they have been there done that.  For someone who didn't come from the same background? They accused me of bragging, and being "too good for them." (intimidation?)  I developed a way of speaking to adults, and important people in "the business", and to this day, can speak to an artist, photographer, engineer, stylist, etc. with no problem at all.  Put me in a room with a bunch of people my own age who do "normal" things? I have nothing to contribute to this conversation.  A lot of people often mistake this for me being insincere or rude, when really, I am just examine the situation to see if there's any place for me in it. I also tend to look people up and down when I speak to them.  I am looking at their hair, their nails, their shoes, clothes, eye makeup, jewelry, whatever...this isn't because I am judging them, this is because I am taking it all in.  I have always been naturally curious (ever since I was a kid...I used to look at everything all of the time, and didn't speak until I was four...not because I couldn't, but because I simply didn't have anything of interest to say) I can see how this being mysterious and bitchy thing comes into play. Although, as my dear friend did say:

I thought about the friends I had who were truly intimidated upon meeting me...the ones who are a crucial part of my life today...The ones who accept all of my glitter trails, music geekdom, and the fact that in order to change batteries in a smoke detector, all I need to do is put on a pair of heels to reach.  These are good quality people...and the fact that in spite of being "intimidated" by me, they still tried to get to know the real me shows me that I need to be more brave when it comes to situations that I am not necessarily over the moon about.  Like everything, it's a work in progress.

I'm glad I didn't scare them all too badly. My life would sure be boring without them.