So you're probably wondering why I am quoting a fictional character at the beginning of this blog, right?
As many of you who know, I am seldom out and about without my faithful journal close by. I have faithfully kept a record of my thoughts for the past sixteen years. I think it's the cheapest form of self realization one can possibly find. And I also think it helps keep you in check. Going back and reading your stream of consciousness as a third party makes you more aware of your progress and where to move next.
I also believe that you create your own reality. I don't buy into excuses anyone may make. I just don't. I think that you can have everything you've ever dreamed and then some...your own chocolate factory. And the only one standing in the way is yourself.
"But, Payton. I grew up poor. My genetics are bad. My dad didn't love me enough. My boyfriend won't let me. I didn't go to college. I can't." And I'm here to tell you that you absolutely can. The job you want? You can have it. The body you desire? Within reach. The partner, the car, the home...you can have it. And the only one standing in between you and what you so crave is yourself.
The only reason I can tell you this with such confidence is that I have been there. I have had every excuse under the sun. I couldn't get the body I wanted because I was stressed, I didn't have enough money to eat properly, I was tired. I couldn't have the job I wanted because I was fat. I couldn't have the lifestyle I wanted because I couldn't get the job I wanted because I couldn't have the body I desired. I had terrible relationships because my stepmom beat me and I didn't trust men. I worked two jobs at one time that I both hated, I had a hormonal imbalance, blah blah blah, and I cried myself to sleep at night every single night without fail because I was so distraught at the thought of never accomplishing my dreams, but I wasn't willing to do anything to move in the direction of accomplishing them, because in my mind I was "stuck"
Preview and photo by Nathan Cox.
About five years ago, I was introduced to the teachings of the Law of Attraction and the laws of the universe. When people scoffed at me, I reminded them that gravity was a law of the universe as well, and no one seemed to mind that. I created vision boards, and started to journal differently. When I was nineteen, I wrote out a day in what my dream life would be. I wrote about what my day consisted of in such detail that I even included smells and tastes. I wrote about my dream body, my partner, my home, my dog...I closed the last page of my journal and put it away.
The dog I so desperately wanted, my best friend, Arrow.
Sitting in his chair at my job that seems to have been tailored just for me. I can only describe him entering into my life as predestined fate. My destiny dog.
I continued to journal, but if you read them in chronological order, about three years ago I start to slip. My language becomes more harsh, more criticism happens, I start to feel trapped, desperate, and afraid. The people I started to attract into my life had ulterior motives, and there's a giant plot twist in my narrative. I became depressed, I gained weight I had worked so hard to lose back, I got robbed on more than one occasion in nearly every sense of the word, I lost friends...It wasn't until I went back and read those passages that I realized it was time to get back on track. I took control of my life and started back on the path of creating the life I wanted. And when I did, all the wrong people and circumstances fell by the way side, I was given the urge to start yoga classes which has shaped my body into one I am proud of, a freak happening brought me my partner that treats me like a queen, a devestating loss brought me my dog, an internal rustling helped me find my jobs, I started meeting all the right people and being in the right places at the right times. Because I decided to.
I woke up today in a house in the neighborhood I had picked out for myself when I was eighteen. The dog snoozing blissfully at my feet was just like the photo of one I had pinned up on a bulletin board in my cheap rented room five years ago. The person next to me is above and beyond what I could have written him to be like in his ways of treating me like a queen and being supportive and loving. I got to a job that I am happy to be at, while looking at a schedule full of stuff that I said I would always have (styling, modeling, acting, concerts) My muscles are blissfully aching from a yoga class surrounded by something else I wanted--a community of strong and beautiful women to support each other. And as I walked down the street today on a little break from work, my heels clacking on the brick sidewalk, I couldn't help but think of an entry from March of 2010.
March 5, 2010:
...one day I will be able to wear whatever the hell I want to to work. I'll wear my highest heels if I feel like it. And I'll have a little fluffy white dog that's part shihtzu like Hannah (my dog at the time) is. And I'll walk my cute little dog down the streets of East Nashville and say hello to all of my artist neighbors. I'll have stacks of checks to take to the bank to do with all of my jobs--styling and modeling and writing. And I'll have a cute little house in Inglewood that I'll share with my cute boyfriend with curly hair who loves records as much as I do, treats me like a queen, and is an artistic genius. I also will have learned how to cook then and instead of a fourteen, I'll be a size six. I will travel so much that I'll be able to see two coasts in months of each other. I will feel fulfilled and happy, and I'll know that I created this for myself.
Size 6 jeans. Long gone are the double digits.
The cute boyfriend who is a brilliant photographer. And check out that curly hair!
I go on and on about my plans for my life by the time I turn this age and that age, and so on and so forth. (I do believe a ring that looks like Elizabeth Taylor's is mentioned along with a walk in closet are mentioned) and while I don't have these things now, I know they are on its way. There are so many things I have had to stop saying to myself to get here. I had to move out of my own way. I had to listen to my gut. But today, I could wake up and say to myself that I was on the right track.
And if I can get there? You can too.
March 25, 2015:
Dear eighteen year old Payton: Mission Accomplished. You got this.
Keep the faith, readers. You've got this too. The life you want is within your reach if you will just step out of your own way. Now go build your own damn chocolate factory.
And do it in something fabulous. Top from People Like Art.
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