I am so sorry that my blogs have been so few and far between lately. Remember when I used to update this thing regularly? I've also been skimping on my Fashion Friday videos the past two weeks.
This should have been the first sign that something was sort of off with me I suppose. I stopped beating my drum sticks on every surface I could find. I didn't pick up a pen. I hadn't read any books that weren't self help related. I stopped dreaming of traveling to far away places. This is where I was at with my life two weeks ago. I walked around like a zombie, living on under eye concealer and large coffees. If I could plaster a smile on my face to go out into the real world, then no one would know...I was slowly killing myself. And no one noticed.
Now, this is nobody's fault, really. I had done what I have always done. My entire life has been spent moving from place to place, grasping for some sense of stability and normalcy. I don't recall a time where I wasn't trying to force something to be what I needed it to be. The title to my autobiography might as well have been called "Close, But No Cigar." and my catchphrase of "It's ALMOST there." which I usually reserve for describing articles of clothing for clients was beginning to feel like my mantra.
I was spinning my wheels trying to figure out a way to drum up business for myself to keep going. I was constantly reminded of the limiting beliefs that I had grown up with surrounding money. Every day I woke up with a sense of dread, and a constant reminder that my dreams were not going to come true. My backyard felt like a trap instead of an oasis. My relationships felt like nooses around my neck. I thought about giving up styling about fifty times in a matter of a week. And then, one morning I woke up and prayed for a sign. "Creator, give me a sign that I'm on the right or the wrong path." I begged. I woke up and went to a business meeting, and it was there that I got that sign.
It was supposed to be a normal business meeting with a woman I met at a networking event. She had a new skin care line that she wanted me to review. She then said "I notice your energy seems off. I'm a reader and healer. May I help you?" Now, I'm not one to shy away from the crunchy hippie way of life, so I said "Of course!" She took me upstairs and shuffled a deck of cards. She closed her eyes and said "OK, so this card will represent what will happen if you stay on your current path." and then I saw the two words CERTAIN DEATH under a photo of the Grim Reaper. A lump formed in my throat, and I started to tear up. She then closed her eyes again, and said "This card will represent your life if you choose to take a different path." A man illuminated by the rays of the sun and a trail leading to this beautiful paradise was revealed to me. THE SUNSHINE MAN was in big, bold letters underneath the illustration.
The woman then said to me "I feel like your entire life, you've been settling. You're a workaholic, and you try to see the best in every one else at your own expense. You have dreams of a life full of passion, adventure, excitement, and service to other people. But, if you continue on this path you're on, it will never happen. Life will be difficult if you do not choose to allow yourself to see the sunshine."
Insert me having a crying fit here. She hit the nail on every head, dug the nails back out, and hammered them back in again. I had been overworking myself to distract from my unhappiness. I had been trying to convince myself that I was incredibly happy and fulfilled, when in reality, I was empty and had never been lonelier in my life. And so, I started over.
I walked away from what was my home for nearly the past two years. I left behind plans, and a business I shared with someone, and all of the furniture that had been "ours". I spent far too much money on a tiny little space, and moved Me and My Arrow in. We don't have furniture yet, but there is a lot of love in our crackerjack box of an apartment. And I'll tell you something, readers. The moment I decided to leave and start fresh is the moment I felt like I could breathe again. I talked to my grandmother the other day on the phone in the midst of the moving chaos, and she told me that I was one of the bravest people she knew. "Most people would just have stayed in a life that was just okay. You're brave for knowing who you are, and knowing you deserve better than just okay."
I guess I've never thought of myself as brave, readers. It wasn't until I sat and really thought about the choices I have made in my short lifetime that I realized I was. I've lived more in my nearly 25 years than most twice my age. I've already decided that booze and I don't get along...even though it's ingrained in us as a society that twenty somethings should. I decided when I was quite young to live a life without eating animals even though I live in the BBQ capital of the world. I've chosen a career path that is neither steady, nor promised when I could have easily taken a different job to help me pay the bills until I die. For the first time in my life, I gave myself the credit for being brave. And this time, I was going to be brave enough to decide to live the life I want.
If there's anything I would love for you to take away from these ramblings, readers, it is this:
You don't have to sit at a table where love is no longer being served. You deserve a life of passion, adventure, and excitement. You should have and can have a life where you wake up and drink coffee with your soulmate, where your job makes you ridiculously happy to be alive, and where you feel like you can truly, fully be who you were put on this earth to be. You just have to be brave enough to choose it.
And tomorrow? Arrow and I are packing up to go on an adventure. Because we choose to!
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