What They Don't Tell You About Chasing Your Dream

"Follow your bliss."

"Do what you love, and the money will follow."

"Leap out into the abyss, and a net will appear."

I'm sure that you have heard all of these expressions before.  These sayings are about as commonplace in the self-help community as green juice and yoga mats.  They are also things I repeat to myself on a regular basis. 

But, I'm here to tell you the honest to God truth about following your passion. 

1) It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

2) If you follow through, it's the most rewarding.

3) You are 100% responsible for your own happiness and your life. And that is terrifying. 

I have been working on the vision I have for myself for the last seven years.  I've had the worst day jobs, terrible clients, and have had negative twenty dollars to my name.  I've developed health problems, had my electricity turned off, and have lost my home twice due to my never ending quest for Payton as I see her. I've had people tell me that I was certifiably insane, and have lost friends and family members over it.

Becoming who you are is a growing process. It hurts. And it has moments where it sucks. And I'm here to talk about those times now.

We live in a world where people think that things just "happen" for other people.  This is due to two things, I believe.  The first being social media, and the other is people's subconscious  desire to be mediocre, because that's all they've ever known. Hear me out.

Social media is meant to be people's highlight reels.  We often make the mistake of comparing the footage we left on the cutting room floor to other people's best ofs. I am so guilty of doing this! Oh, so-and-so just did something I want to do, has the relationship I want, or just bought a house! Here I am still renting a home, and feeling like crap, and I think I may be getting fat again and...and...and..what? It's second nature to compare ourselves to others. When I hear my friends do this, I want to take out a spray bottle and spritz them in the face like you would an animal you're trying to train. One of my favorite stylists has this approach she uses with her clients when they're unhappy with something. It's called the "Yes!...and?" Approach. "That person has smaller thighs than I do." "Yes! And?" "And? I want thighs like that.." "Ok, what are you willing to do to change your habits to attain what you want? Working out? Negative self talk? A healthy lifestyle?" Most people get lost in the "yes" and forget to add the "and!"

I've tried to be as real as possible on my social media feeds for this reason.  You'll see on today's post a photo of awkward pre-pubescent Payton. I'll have videos of me making a fool of myself. I will talk openly about my struggles with BDD, overcoming eating disorders, and depression.  Because when we are willing to own up to our bullshit, we can help others own theirs, and potentially help them heal. I also do this to talk about the struggles that we all face as human beings.  I think that once we find out that the beautiful, thin woman who seems to have everything going for her-great clothes, an exciting life full of travel, or whatever she has that you want is a person with her own demons, it makes her human. It connects us.  Unites instead of divides, if you will.

The other thing that is my biggest annoyance is the fact that most people want to be miserable deep down.  This is on a subconscious level usually.  I used to be one of these people, and on days when it's really difficult, I struggle to not fall back into the comfortable patterns that I used to cling to like the old jeans that fell off my hips.  I'm talking about the "I can't make money doing this." "If I were going to be able to live this way, it would have happened already." "I'm not good enough. There are fifty people I can think of who are better musicians, or artists, or real estate agents, or underwater basket weavers than I am." "I'm just not meant to live a life like that." "I'm not special."

Now, readers.  Take all of these beliefs that you may have about yourself, and shove them up your asses (respectfully). Those excuses are easy.  Those thoughts are comfortable.  Because, guess what? Stepping outside of your comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE. Just like your teeth coming in as a baby, or your bones growing as an awkward twelve year old, becoming who you are is painful. Like those stretch marks that cover my body, there will always be a reminder of this pain. But, they fade!  There will be tears, and maybe even some blood. And you have to be willing to accept that.  Living in your old beliefs is lazy. It's like wanting to lose 100 pounds, yet all you do is sit on the couch, eat the same stuff, and complain about not being supermodel thin.  How do you expect to change your life drastically in a physical way if you refuse to change your habits? The same approach needs to be how you come at your thoughts.  You can't expect change if you refuse to change!

You guys, I have had so many people tell me that "Things just happen to you, Payton." And I halfway want to laugh, and halfway want to scream. One person in particular was speaking about my weight, and my career.  This person had no idea the trials and tribulations that I had experienced.  She wasn't there the nights I laid awake in bed, crying because my bank account was in the negative.  She had no idea I spent hours the day before trying on clothes, trying to find one good thing about this new body I inhabited.  I am only the person I am today because I have made the decision that most people consider foolish...the decision to wholeheartedly answer the call I was given...at whatever cost.  I have gone hungry, I have forced myself to get out of bed when I didn't want to, and I have done jobs that even if they had the slightest thing to do with my industry, I would do them. (I have taped down a lot of boobs, y'all) No one sees the struggle. They just see the end result.  

But, you know what? I answered that call. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.  There was a day where I got really quiet, and when I heard the whisper.  I have followed the voice whispering with absolute blind faith, stopping to fight off the blues.  And it's never an easy task to fight them off.  

You guys, you are here for a reason. You have been given a purpose.  It's your job to fill that you sized void while you are here. If you don't try with all of your might to do what you were put here to do, it'll come out in some other icky way--like drinking too much, sleeping with the wrong people, or eating your feelings like I did. But the only way that you are going to be able to step up to the plate to become who you truly are supposed to be is with work, a solid support system, and pure, unabashed faith. 

You are here because the world needs you. It's not always going to be easy. But I promise you, it's better than living a life full of mediocrity and wishing you had done X, Y, and Z. 

Jealous or Crazy? And The Other Woman: Female Stereotypes

"How did it come down to this?
Going through your call list
I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'mma fuck me up a bitch
Know that I kept it sexy, and know I kept it fun
There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one


What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy?
Jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I'd rather be crazy"

You guys, I swear, this is the last post in which I mention Lemonade. I promise.
So, as you guys know, I've been really digging this record (along with the new Monkees record--those have pretty much been the only things I've listened to.)

So, I was rocking out to this song in the car today, and I had an a-ha moment...follow me, here.

My last relationship ended for quite a few reasons.  The number one factor behind ending it was lying.  So many things were hidden from me.  There was another woman hidden from me.  Only, she wasn't that hidden.

Women's intuition is a beautiful and mystifying thing.  It was one night when his phone wasn't glued to his hand.  My gut said "Go through it. He's hiding something." I remember being able to feel my heart beat in my ears.  As I scrolled through his texts, there she was.  Plain as day.  Explicit texts back and forth that confirmed exactly what I thought was happening flooded my senses.  I immediately threw up and put the phone back.  I didn't mention it until five months later.

I often wondered why women who are cheated on don't say anything.  It wasn't until I was one of them that I realized.  It is one of the most shameful experiences I have ever gone through in my life.  Here I was, head on straight, in the best shape of my life, attempting to build a life with someone, and clearly, I wasn't enough.  How could I ever look one of my friends in the eye and admit defeat?

I became one of those jealous, nosy, clingy girlfriends that everyone complains about.  I demanded to know who he was speaking to, where he was going, what he was doing.  I can only imagine it was exhausting to be on the receiving end of my demands.  Other skeletons came out of the closet.  I pushed them back and fought them off with all of the strength I had in me.  I became worse.  I made myself sick.  But, I would rather hide my troubles rather than admit that my partner didn't think I was enough for him.

Five months later, you guys know how this story ends.  But, it wasn't until today that while listening to that song did I realize that women no longer present in a man's life tend to get three roles: Jealous, Crazy, and Home wrecker.

Here's where I get real with you, readers.  I've been the other woman.  The two times it happened, it was completely unbeknownst to me at the time the relationships began. One claimed he was divorced (not true, and even though he had a baby with another woman a few years ago, he still reached out to me) and the other never mentioned the fact that he had a girlfriend.  It wasn't until she showed up on my doorstep did I realize she existed.  I remember both times after realizing what was happening thinking "Why is this bitch taking it out on me? She's crazy. Her husband/boyfriend is the one that she should be pissed off with! Not me!" There's that word. Crazy.

I've been out with platonic male friends of mine whose significant others were livid that their boyfriends were out with a female. It wasn't until later that I had realized there were major infidelity issues with my male friends.  They are no longer friends of mine. But, at the time, I remember thinking...God, jealousy isn't cute, girl! Jealous.

After I went through my boyfriend at the time's phone, I became that kind of crazy.  I stalked, researched, did everything short of getting the FBI involved to track her down.  I wrote drafts of emails to she and her husband that I would send, praying that their marriage was destroyed, just like I felt my relationship was.  I fantasized about what I would say to her if I ever saw her. All the while, I never once thought to hold my boyfriend accountable for his actions. Now, THAT is crazy, my friends.


Of course, that relationship ended after months of me torturing myself, but today is when it hit me.  Yeah, as women, if we get cheated on, we should hold the people involved accountable, but maybe we should use more empathy instead of throwing around words like "jealous" and "crazy".  Maybe these women have a reason to be.  Now, I have never raided another woman's instagram and flooded it with degrading comments, and I never sent her husband an email warning him that his wife is a "home wrecking skank." as much as I thought about it.  But, those thoughts did cross my mind.

I know now that the reasons behind my partner's infidelity had nothing to do with me.  I wasn't too thin or too ambitious or too fat or too demanding.  It wasn't the relationship I was supposed to end up in, and I am grateful for all of the lessons I learned.  I think most of all, though, I am grateful for the insight to the female psyche.  And I will be slower to throw around words like "Jealous" and "Crazy" from here on out. I encourage you to do the same.

And when in doubt, just put on your Cavalli dress and beat some stuff with a baseball bat.

True Life: I'm a Millennial With A Life Coach

Hey, readers!

I hope all of you are well. While I will be reporting on the trends I am seeing on the runways soon (Hello, Gucci cruise!) I thought I would talk to you guys on something that isn't really spoken about.

Today, I'm going to talk to you about my experience entering into the self help world.  After trying to build my own business with little to no luck, a "Lemonade"-esque breakup, a new home, a new relationship, and so much more sending my brain into frazzled mode, my friend Shelby recommended the book "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero to me, and it has honestly revolutionized my life.  You HAVE to get this book, you guys.  It's the best three bucks I ever spent on Amazon.  For someone who was a little self help weary, this book was absolutely perfect.  Jen was formerly in a punk rock band, and her quirky personality and offbeat sense of humor definitely shines through. She has a quote in the book that stood out to me more than any other:

"It's not your fault that you're f****d up. It's your fault if you stay f****d up!"

The cutest little reading buddy there ever was. 

Shelby: Soul sister, fellow badass, and Zombies fan 

How true was this?! The book gets really uncomfortable for a few chapters when you end up confronting your bull shitake mushrooms.  I had to get real with myself about which stories was I continuing to tell myself because they were comfortable.  She discusses how people become so wrapped up in their own narratives that doing anything that doesn't play into those will send your brain into shock. For instance: "No one in my family has ever made money." "Rich people are bad people." "I am going to die alone. There are no good men left." "No one makes money as a musician." etc. etc. Here were mine:

"People don't pay me enough for my services."
"Women aren't supposed to make money. Men are supposed to provide."
"I am an imposter."
"I am not good enough."
"I don't have enough resources to make a difference in the world."
"Men are intimidated by determined, successful women."

These were all crippling beliefs!  In my heart of hearts, I knew I wanted to build a one woman empire based on fashion being a healing avenue.  How on earth was I supposed to use my skills to serve the world if I didn't believe I had them? Or that I wasn't good enough?  What if The Beatles decided that no one wanted to hear their music because it was unusual?  Seriously! They were broke as hell when they started!

So, once I figured out what my narratives were--the stories that continued to make me feel like crap about myself--I then took the next course of action.  Jen says in the book to hire a life coach at any cost.  Put it on a credit card, sell all of your possessions, donate your blood, just hire a life coach at any cost.  And so I did!

I had already known of Coach Dar from her work on some people in my family, and her strong online presence.  Her Motivational Mondays always really inspired me, so I reached out to her.  I mentioned my struggles.  When I spoke of my dreams, she didn't laugh, and she certainly didn't scoff at me like the voices in my head were!  She said that she would absolutely be able to help me, and sent me her pricing sheet.  I bought eight sessions, and it was the biggest check I have ever written in my life.  I looked at this as an investment in my life, and tried to not laugh at the irony of hiring a life coach when I was a self employed person with no clients on the books.

My first session was on the phone.  I was honest with Coach Dar about all of my shortcomings, my self doubt, and the direction I wanted to go in with my life.  And just like any other coach in sports would, she told me how to keep my head in the game.

The first thing we tackled was getting me on a meditation routine.  She told me about an app called the Insight Timer.  I am doing guided meditations at least twice a day.  Sometimes it's more if I feel like I need it.  I am then doing gratitude journaling in the morning and at night.  There's an app that my friend Shelby told me about called the 5 Minute Journal that reminds you do create entries twice a day.  That way, there's no excuses! Everyone carries their phones on them at all times anyway! You might as well take a moment to stop and reflect on what you're grateful for! I finally have been able to get into the meditation zone that everyone always talks about.  I was given a personal affirmation to repeat to myself all the time.  It's written on a notecard that's stuck to my windshield.  I was given a meditation exercise to lock away the notion of women not being able to make money in to a drawer, as well as personal affirmations to repeat to myself when I start to feel insecure about my career. I did an exercise in which I had to take every single belief about myself financially.  An example:

BELIEF:
"Women don't make money.  Men provide it."
IS THAT TRUE?
Of course not. Lots of women make tons of money every day. All of the business women I admire are self made women!
TURN IT AROUND
I  provide an abundant life for myself! Women run successful companies all over the world. And I am one of them! I am able to serve so many people using my gifts.
BELIEF
No one wants to pay me what I am worth.
IS THAT TRUE?
No! There are stylists out there that I am just as good as making ten times what I do! They are working with exciting clients every single day!
TURN IT AROUND
People are paying what I'm worth to have people just like me style them! I am always in the right place at the right time to meet them!

Truer words have never been spoken. 

I did the same exercise for my personal beliefs in my self-mind, body, and spirit.  I then sat down and got really clear on my financial needs.  I wrote down every single thing that I would need to have the greatest life I could imagine.  When I sat down and did the math, I realized that this life was easily attainable--if I had been charging what I had originally wanted to charge people for my services! All I would need to do is to charge what I am worth, I could thrive with four clients a month! Instead, I was floundering with eight or more jobs a month, and barely scraping by! What a freeing revelation this was! I wasn't a failure, or lacking! I just was selling myself short!

At the end of the day, the biggest thing that Coach Dar has helped me with is my attitude!  I had such a poverty mindset--"Things never happen to me." "I'm not successful enough." "I should have been further along." And just as easily as those thoughts flew through my brain, now "I am already abundant." "I am always in the right place at the right time." "I am exactly in the right place to serve." are on repeat.  You can't control all of the situations you will be handed, readers.  You can, however, handle how you choose to react to them.  There were days recently that I would have loved to have stayed in bed all day and wallowed.  But, I chose to wake up, dress up, make up, and show up.  And those days have been the most rewarding!  I have ended up in some beautifully rewarding situations that would not have happened had I done things my old ways.

If your old ways aren't working--if you're broke, and feel like you always will be, or if you feel like you're just existing and not living, or whatever it is, get your hands on that book.  Hire a coach.  Sell everything you have to make it happen.  Do whatever it takes.  Because being able to get out of bed in the morning, being able to look myself square in the eye and be prepared to take over the world is priceless.

You may think I am nuts for being a 24 year old with a life coach, but I will be over here making vision boards, meditating, and repeating my affirmations in the mean time.  You only have one life to live.  I have spent far too much time at the bedsides of people I love towards the end of their life. When I asked them what they all wished? "That I hadn't worried as much and just lived." And it's my every intention to live in such a way that when my loved ones gather around me and ask me what I would have changed, I will be able to smile, and say "Nothing. It was the best ride ever."


Would you ever consider getting a life coach, readers? Why or why not?

A little reminder from my five minute journal app.