Fly on, Little Wing.

Hey, readers.

No such luck in getting my domain back...yet.  This may be the home of my blog for good. Like I said in my last posting, change is always good I suppose!

This week has been a rather challenging one for me emotionally speaking.  I think that I had been going non-stop since the radical shift in my world, and now that I finally have had time to stop and breathe, it all caught up with me. I have been exhausted in every aspect of the word for the past week more or less.  I had begun to wonder "What is it all about?" "When will I feel like myself again?" and more importantly "What am I supposed to be doing?" To say I felt a little misplaced would be an understatement.  I've spent most of my life feeling misplaced. Wrong place...definitely wrong time...Always have.

Luckily for me, I have one of the greatest supporting casts known to man. One of my friends came by to mow my lawn for me as a surprise, one sat and listened to me blab on about my purpose in life for an hour, one let me sit on their couch in my natural state (something I rarely do) and just kept me company because they knew that the last thing I wanted to do was be alone, my stepfather surprised me with flowers, and then there was one...one special cast member. This is a new addition to my cast, and I'm not sure how long they will be around, but this person has been a god-send on two occasions now.

Today, I went to go meet this person.  It was a completely innocent meeting of the minds over coffee and a stroll through the park. I explained how I had wondered if I really was supposed to be here and now, and how the only times I had been truly happy in the past week were locked away in my house with my films and records, and how I felt like I was karmically challenged...damaged goods...My friend looked at me and said "I want to give you something." and reached in their bag.  After fumbling with their wallet, they handed me a broken wing of a monarch butterfly.  The colors were so vivid, so intense, so beautiful.  I laughed and said "Yeah, broken. Just like me." putting my sarcastic wall up.  "You look at this and see something that is broken.  I look at it and see something that is beautiful.  The complete epitome of a re-birth has occurred in your life, sugar. Out of all this pain and change and work, you have transformed. I'm giving you your wings. Now's your time to fly."

I've not been used to this kind of friendship.  People react to me one of three ways: One: With kid gloves.  This is where people (usually ones who have known me since I was a kid) still like to pretend that I am not an adult, not of the "grown-up world" This usually involves with people being overprotective, overbearing, and hellicopter-ing. Two: They just want to handle me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

This is literally a text message I got the other night. Wonder who lucky number one was? 

Or three, they run and hide. They are so afraid that I am going to do something so terrible to mess up their lives that they run.  This usually happens with men who are unavailable be it emotionally or any other way after they see my record collection.  Sad, but true.  So, for someone to look at me in the eye (which a lot of other folks can't do) and flat out tell me that I was going to be OK felt like getting punched in the stomach with a rainbow.  I don't often lead on to how vulnerable I can be, how emotional I get, and that I'm not as brave as I put on sometimes.  I feel like I have to be strong, fiercely independent, and tough.  After all, it's strange looking to see a giant woman with big hair cry.  It really is.  

Heather: Soul sister, and repeating cast member. The sister God forgot to give the same DNA to. 

After the keeper of the wing handed me my latest prize, they held their hand on mine.  It wasn't  a romantic gesture, nor one that had a sexual charge to it, yet there was no delicate mothering feel to it either.  Instead of being handled with kid gloves, or man handled, I felt a zap of energy go from their palm to the top of my hand. For the first time in a long time, I felt like someone touched me because they wanted me to know it was OK.  It wasn't to make me vulnerable, to claim ownership, or to put me in my place.  It was just to feel human contact...something that I haven't in a long time. "You've got so much love to give. It comes out of your ears. You can see that.  You're a caretaker.  And people take it, and they take your spirit and your soul and your essence and they use it.  For inspiration...for hope...for their songs...Am I right?" I nodded so hard, I thought my neck was going to snap.  "What do you get in return? What have these people who have used you given you?" I thought so hard, I thought my brain was going to explode and my hair was going to fall out.  Sure, the people who have been reoccurring cast members have been great, and there's a great energy circle that is unbroken between us.  I do for them what they can't do for themselves and vice versa. We pick the other up when one is down.  But I thought about the ones who drained me.  The ones who took all of the love I had to give and turned it into mush, or worse, a song. "You've got the power now, angel.  You've earned your wings." And I thought...

"Yeah. Yeah I do. Time to fly." 

"Well, she's walking through the clouds,
With a circus mind that's running wild,
Butterflies and Zebras,
And Moonbeams and fairy tales.
That's all she ever thinks about.
Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me,
With a thousand smiles she gives to me free.
It's alright, she says it's alright,
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.
Fly on little wing."

-Jimi Hendrix