She's Got Everything She Needs.

Hey, readers.

I know that this is a different address than the ole familiar "Payton Place", but I am currently in the process of working out how to get my old domain back! In the meantime, my postings will be here.  Besides, you can work out typing an extra ".blogspot" can't you?

As we go into the second week of April, I can't help but reflect back on all that has changed from the beginning of the year.  As a few of you know, I was due to get married April 10th this year.  That event did not take place. I'm not here to bash, or bad mouth, but needless to say, I had to do a fairly brave thing and listen to my gut, and cut and run. Since the big day was supposed to be less than a week away, I still get approached by acquaintances who run into me and wonder why I am not on my honeymoon, or why I don't have that "just wed" glow.  My ring finger has been adorned with the ever familiar and comforting bubblegum machine ring from 1964 and once again,  I find myself alone.

My first love. 

At the beginning of the year, I was working a dead end job.  There was no room for improvement, for a raise, for personal growth, and it was just enough money to feel like you had a bit of security dangled in front of your nose without any room for savings or splurging...I was surrounded by toxic people in an environment disguised to be the bipolar opposite.  I had a beautiful house that I was trying to turn into what would be our first home for wedded bliss that seems to never come together the way I envisioned, and the slightest financial set back could do so much as drive me into a deep depression that would leave me wanting to be bedridden for weeks.  And one day, I did what most people don't do until their forties or fifties: I had a mid life crisis.

Now, you may say, "P, really? A mid life crisis? You're in your twenties. Chill."  It happened. I questioned my purpose, my reason for being here, my mortality.  "Do I really want to live my life in this manner?" And the answer was no.  I called my wedding off, I quit my day job, and I have only looked back to learn from my mistakes since.

Having a 9-5 means you can't go to your happy place at 3pm on a Tuesday to walk across the stage barefoot. "Just because you need the mojo." 

People have either had one of two reactions to my new way of living:  Overjoyed or horrified.
"But what are you doing for your living?" "Oh, I'm just being myself." Then I explain the modeling, the styling, the side jobs.  "I don't do anything I don't want to do. If it doesn't serve me, I don't serve it." Oh, you should see the eyebrow raises, readers.  It's taken me halfway across the country, it has given me the things I have dreamed of, and it has given me the permission to be myself....just myself...

Thelma and Louise road trip with my soul sister Heather the week of Valentine's Day. We left at 2 AM. Because we could. 

"But what about money, Payton??" they keep asking.  To which I respond "They print more of it every day." I have seen people get so wound up over it.  I have seen marriages fall apart because of it.  I have seen lives destroyed over these bits of paper that we give power to.  Then, I break it down. When it looks something like this:

Is it a glamorous life like Holly Golightly? Honestly? Sometimes.  (The movie, not the book. In the book, she's a hooker!) Honestly. It is sometimes the greatest thing in the world.  I have all the freedom in the world to take off on a Tuesday to fly halfway across the country...and I even once did get $50 out of a powder room trip. And then there are other times where you are sitting in your living room alone on the couch as your burst laundry room pipes flood the backyard with your metaphorical dick blowing in the breeze because you don't know the first thing about plumbing, or how you'll pay for it anyway.  (Those are the times where you are grateful you have time to make friends in high places who are willing to roll their sleeves up and help...friends with tools.) 

Clearly, not having any fun at all with my band family, The Cryers. 

You learn a lot about yourself when you abandon this ship called "normality" and live purely off your skills, wits, and luck. You learn if you really need that $5 latte every day. (Switch to iced coffee. Cheaper. More potent. :) ) And you learn what really is important.  For instance? I learned that I need motivation from someone else being in my house to keep it clean...that I'd rather have a clean makeup table than kitchen...and that if given the chance, I will stay up til four AM listening to the same record over and over again, sitting in different spots of the house because I might miss something from a  different angle. I discovered that vodka is not my best friend, even though I'm not much different on it...(I will still lecture people on "Exile on Main Street" and more than likely try to take my pants off no matter what to illustrate just how fantastic it is. "It makes my clothes fall off, you guys! Really!") I learned that you get a lot farther in life when you aren't attached to someone, and if you are, that someone better fart sunshine and personality.  I learned that the burden of carrying someone in every aspect of the word, and then having to explain your partner to every person who comes across you is exhausting. "No, really, he really is great. I promise." becomes like the numbing cream they give you at the dentist...burns your lips, makes your stomach hurt if swallowed...you get the picture. I learned what I will and will not stand for...in business, friendships, and relationships.  I learned that I am not perfect. (I knew that already, but it became even more clear in this process.) I learned that true friends will be there for you, no matter what...even when their friend they knew and loved disappears for two years...a true friend will let you cry on their shoulder, pat your head, and buy you a drink while you sob about how exhausted you are. They'll even take you home from the bar and put you to bed and make sure you get up with minimal damage done. 

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  And although the past few months for me have not been easy, they are getting better all the time.  I have been given experiences that I never would have received if I didn't listen to my gut. I have been far and wide, seen and met some of the most incredible sights and people, marked countless things off my bucket list, and truly learned what makes me tick.  I can't promise myself that tomorrow will be any easier...it changes from day to day...but I try to embrace every day as a new chance to experience something I wouldn't have normally.  These days it's getting easier to roll out of bed. (Thanks to the new stereo by my bed that only I could tolerate...perks of single-dom) All I've got to do now to function is put on a record, put the coffee on, and hold my hands out, saying "Alright, world. Whatdya have for me today?" Some days it's more than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.  Today? It's coffee. I'll take both.  

Some days, it's backstage passes to see one of your favorite bands kick ass and take names. 

I found a file I had saved a while back...Duane Allman's New Year's Resolutions.  Now, for those of you who don't know who Duane Allman is, I highly suggest you educate yourselves. You won't regret it.  Duane wrote these resolutions when he was my age.  Two years later, he was gone.  Maybe it's my love of these beautiful people who died in their twenties that makes me live this way.  Maybe it's a secret fear that I only have five years left.  Either way, when your mortality is questioned every day, you tend to live your life differently.  This year, I am trying to live like Duane penned in 1969:

January 1, 1969. It reads: "This year I will be more thoughtful of my fellow man, exert effort in each of my endeavors professionally as well as personally. Take love wherever I find it, and offer it to anyone who will take it. In this coming year I will seek knowledge from those wiser than me, and try to teach those who wish to learn from me. I love being alive and I will be the best man I possibly can."

Cheers, Skydog. 

I will try and get my blog back up and running as it was. If not, this may become the new home for it.  But, seeing as everything in my life has changed too, I don't see why this would be any different.  Who knows? Maybe I'll keep it here.  Change has been good for me so far!