Dear Inner child,

Hi, readers!

As some of you know, I have a birthday coming up the first week of September.  Most use the beginning of a new year to reboot and start fresh.  I, however, like to use birthdays as a time of reflection, growth, and to check in with how far I have grown in the last year.  I have alluded on here before to some of the difficulties I have faced this year.  When you research the number one stressors: moving, job change, loss of loved one, breakup, financial struggle...you name it? I've had it. And so, this was the time where I thought "Right, time to fix this.  Time to take some time to restart my system." And so, I've gone through what I call "Granola Therapy"

Now, Granola Therapy is basically what I use to describe everything I am doing in my healing journey.  Yoga practice, journalling every day, speaking with an actual therapist and healer, studying psychology , diet, and finally attempting to get meditation under my belt.  I can now successfully touch my toes, avoid gluten at all costs, and have journal entries that are notes upon notes of my readings that have titles like "Psychosomatic Illness caused by Porous Ego Boundaries due to Narcisstic Parent" and many more. I'm treating my healing like it's a full time job.  Mind. Body. Spirit. 

In this process of my Granola Therapy, my therapist figure told me that all of us still have an inner child.  Our inner child is the reason we feel useless emotions such as fear and guilt.  The illnesses that can stem from guilt are endless, and include things such as depression, eating disorders, self harm, and on and on.  Here I was, thinking that my problem was one thing, when really, it was something that stemmed back to my childhood! Imagine that! She encouraged me to write a letter to little Payton.  The little girl that still lives inside of me, much like your little self is still in you. When revealing several problems I have struggled with over the years to her, she said it was my inner child, mourning over the loss of a childhood I never had.  The thought struck me as odd.  Didn't I go through puberty? Wasn't I an adult now? How does one go from infant to adult with no childhood in between?  She asked me to pick a time there was a great change and shift into my life.  Write a letter as an adult on the outside, giving advice to her.  It was after I did this, I felt a great cathartic release.  I think that if more people did this, it would help them.  So, here I am, laying it all out for you, readers.  Here is my letter to my inner child:

Dear Payton,

Greetings from your adult self.  I know this is a bit odd to receive a letter from you in the future, but work with me.  And for the record, you'll always be the tallest girl in school, but that's OK, because people pay you for it now.  Also, you have a super cute dog now too, so there's that. I suppose you're wondering why I am writing you, don't you? I know how inquisitive you can be.  I am writing to you to give you some advice on how to deal with some of the things that will be coming your way.  It may get lengthy, but here it goes:

You are not an accessory.
There are going to be times when you feel like your sole purpose in life is to be a supporting cast member around someone else's movie where they are the lead.  This is bullshit. (By the way, you swear now.) You are your own human being who is entitled to your own feelings, thoughts, and actions.  You can dress the way you want to, speak your mind, and don't you dare let anyone try and shame you into believing otherwise.  You are not a prop in a play that stars anyone else.  You are not meant to enrich someone else's life.  You are meant to live your own.

People who love you won't manipulate you.
You're young right now.  You need clear, direct communication.  Anyone who twists words, sulks, or tries to make you feel guilty for not doing things the way that they want you to do them is abusing you.  You may not feel hurt now, but years later, it will devastate you. You know deep down that you're a good girl.  So, stop trying to make everyone else happy, because it will never happen. Ever. Reminder: Guilt and fear are useless emotions.

Your body is not broken. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Also, sex isn't dirty.
You're about to become a woman, P. You're going to be in the guest bathroom of your Dad and Stepmom (or as I refer to her, Stepmonster's) bathroom, and you're going to get your period.  It's going to be painful, and scary, because no one prepared you for what was supposed to happen.  You'll call your grandmother, covering the mouthpiece with your hand while you whisper it, because you will feel that anything that comes out of your vagina is dirty, and shameful.  Not true.  You'll read up on the subject for hours and hours, and be the only eleven year old who knows all about ovulation.  This is where you become obsessed with research.  It pays off in the end.  I promise.  Your body is doing what it was intended to do, and it's a beautiful thing.  Also, everyone who tells you that sex is dirty is wrong.  They've just had terrible experiences.  Just make sure you do it with people that you love and who love you back.  Everybody does it.  Nothing shameful about it. Girls have urges too.  Not just boys. Own your sexuality instead of letting it own you. You aren't a "bad girl" for feeling like a human being. 

People who love you will protect you.
There are going to be a few instances that no child has any business in seeing.  This is where our childhood ends, I'm afraid.  You have to step up and protect yourself, because no one else will.  You may think that people are on your side, but really, they are just using you.  You are working on how to deal with stress and anger right now, little P, because no one was a role model in teaching you how to do so.  But, you're getting better. I wish that I could pop in and take you out of the years you are about to face, because it's ugly.  This is where you establish your worth as a woman, and as a human in general.   This is where you grow up because somebody has to be an adult.  And you do it way too soon.  And I'm sorry you have to see it. 

You are allowed to do what is right for you and feel no guilt about it.
You march to your own drum, P. Always have, always will.  You do things that aren't typical of the suburbia you were raised in.  And thank God for that.  You know what is best for you.  You know what is best for your body, your brain, and your soul.  There are people in your life that are going to try and break down your walls, and try and make you question your beliefs because they make them uncomfortable.  Stay strong. Feel sorry for their ignorance. And know that it is absolutely okay to remove yourself from situations that are painful for your own sanity.  It really is.  No guilt.  

You're so stinking beautiful.
Seriously. When I look back at photos of you from this time, I think of how beautiful you are.  I know that it sucks growing new body parts, and hair in funny places, but you really are.  The boys make fun of your eyebrows, but that's because they live in the suburbs and have no idea what high fashion is.  I hate that when I look at those photos I see a beautiful girl with pain in her eyes.  I think that the pain is only obvious to us, but it's there.  This feeling of not feeling worthy, or good enough because you're not as thin as the other girls, or as pretty in your mind as they are will not go away.  But, I promise you that one night, there is going to be someone who loves you very much who is going to hold you while you cry about how fat you think you are, and brush away your tears as they tell you you're wrong.  For the first time ever, you will feel it.  I promise. So stop making yourself sick, stop counting calories, and for God's sake, stop comparing yourself to that girl from your theatre class, because she looks horrendous now.  (You're welcome :) ) 

Don't lose track of your dreams, and don't lose your faith.
You were whispered to on the playground one day, remember?  You were told what your calling in life was.  Don't you dare ever lose that.  Don't let anyone tell you that you are not destined for greatness, or aren't good enough, or talented enough, or pretty enough.  These people are scared of you, and what you know.  They are intimidated by your ways of doing things, because they make them question their own.  Don't ever, ever let anyone make you feel that you aren't worthy of what you know you were supposed to do.  As far as faith goes? We know that God isn't some bearded old guy who lives in a church building.  We know better. You know there's something out there bigger than you.  You feel it.  Don't ever lose that.  Don't ever stop believing that you will always be taken care of, and always keep a pen with you, because you know when you're deep in ink and paper that that's when it talks to you. 

I vow to do the best of my ability to protect you, inner Payton.  I know that you've been hurt, afraid, and felt like no one is on your side.  I'm here to step up and defend you, nurture you, and make you feel like everything is OK, because now? You live inside of me.  So, chin up, because it does get better.  Also, start eating your vegetables sooner. The stuff you're eating now is why you're so miserable.  

Love,
Payton

I challenge you guys to do the same.  This has been a terribly therapeutic process for me, and has really helped to deal with some issues that have creeped up here lately.  What would you tell yourself as a child?

Love you guys!
-P