Wow! I am so blown away by the responses to my last blog. I feel that being open with you guys is a step forward in my recovery, and discovering my authentic self. Thank you for every kind message, email, and more. I really appreciate it.
Like I said before, I have a birthday coming up the first week of September. (The 5th for anyone who cares. Also, I like glitter, money, and things with dead rockstars and arrows on them) Birthdays are a time of reflection, reexamination, and rebirth for me. I took my sweet little fur baby for a walk today and as I watched him scamper along, I thought of all the joy he has brought me these past few months, and how he has been a huge step in my healing process.
Two of the biggest joys in my life the last six months: Yoga, and Arrow!
I had a thought as I watched little Arrow take ME for a walk. I remember crying into the shoulders of my loved ones over the last few months about "This is not the way my life was supposed to go...This isn't what I had planned..." I even managed to make a few new friends during this process, and I remember telling them "The Old Payton is much cooler. You would have loved her." Meaning, that the person I was before going through times of trouble was much more carefree, and didn't break down in tears at the drop of a hat, didn't want to spend days on end watching Oprah in bed, and certainly was more attractive because her waist was smaller than New Payton. As I watched Arrow sniff his millionth bush, I had a realization. Old Payton is never coming back. And thank God for that!
This is my walking the dog outfit. What? The shoes are only four inches tall. My friend Yamel even sketched this snap of us!
The Old Payton didn't have a network of friends who unconditionally loved her. She had a group of people who sucked the life out of her. Sure, there were gems sprinkled in there that still sparkle to this day, but the dull, mean ones have fallen by the wayside. Old Payton didn't have the love of her life, Mr. Arrow to be her companion everywhere she went. Thank God for Arrow. Old Payton didn't take time to do things that made HER happy, instead she did what made everyone around her happy...and sacrificed her happiness, and her health for them. Old Payton didn't listen to her heart. New Payton knew that she needed a break, and gave herself one. Old Payton beat herself up for her appearances. New Payton is learning to be better at accepting her body, and being grateful for it. And so on and so forth.
Old Payton would never let anyone else photograph her in a bathing suit (and even New Payton makes it like pulling teeth, but obliges anyway.)
There is an old expression "Thank God for unanswered prayers." and I never really understood the concept of that until now. If my life had gone the way I planned it a year ago, I would be pretty stagnant, pretty miserable, and bored out of my mind...not to mention still depressed, angry, and lacking in faith. I wouldn't have Arrow, I wouldn't have started my yoga journey,I wouldn't have people in my life who are so crucial to my well being. Over the past six months, I have collected some of the most loving, non judgmental, nurturing, and most vital people in my life. I don't know how I survived without them, and don't care to know how my life would be otherwise. These people came into my life for a reason, at the right time, held my hand, let me cry on their shoulders, fed me, and took care of me when I couldn't do it for myself. They saw the spark of light that was hidden under all the darkness and sadness that had tried to snuff my glow out.
If things had gone my way, I wouldn't have spent this spring/summer on both coasts of this country. In a matter of three months, I've strolled Venice Beach, and the Jersey Shore. I wouldn't have had the opportunities in my career that have blessed me so much, the new perfect job that has manifested itself with my hard work and faith, and the biggest of all? I wouldn't have felt happy.
Jersey Shore last month, visiting members of the Rock N Roll clan who make my life better by just existing.
For me to say the words: "I am happy." is a huge step. After spending nearly two years of settling, of waiting on other people to reach their full potential, I realized that I was dulling my shine to make others more comfortable. The other day, I was driving back home from the job interview I had just nailed. The most perfect job. The one that I had dreamt of something like it existing for years. The windows were down, and the Stones were on the radio...and that's when I felt it. It started in my toes, moved up through my legs, my belly, and finally to my heart. Butterflies. I felt bliss. For the first time in nearly two years, I felt bliss. I wasn't worried, or fearful, or trying to convince myself of anything. I felt at peace.
I felt like my sweet boy on the hottest day of the year in a kiddie pool full of ice water.
I pray a lot more than most people would think a girl who doesn't believe in church would do. I pray every morning when I open my eyes. It usually goes something along the lines of "Thank you for allowing me to wake up. Thank you for the love that surrounds me. Thank you for the dog that woke me up in the first place. Thank you for the food I am about to eat. Thank you for the clean water, the electricity, and the healthy body you have provided me with..." and then followed by the list of people I want to have a great day. I've done that every day for nearly the past six months. I've learned to stop being specific for what I think I need. "God, if you could only make him..." or "If you could make this happen for me..." is bargaining. I realized, you can't bargain with the Creator. I even had a terrible night...the first night in which I had so much to drink that I threw up, and I remember bargaining with God that if he would spare me any more pain, I would never drink that much again. (So far, I've held up my share of that bargain) But instead, have unwavering faith. Even with my bank account in the negative at one point, I knew deep down that I was going to be provided for. Even when I was on E in my gas tank, and the fridge was bare, I knew I would be fed, and taken care of. And I knew that when I felt the time was right, I would have the perfect job laid out in front of me. It was once I stopped bargaining, and trusting the Creator was always going to know what was better for me than I did, that I started receiving the knowledge and wisdom I needed.
It's hard to not feel grateful when you wake up to this hugging your arm.
Thank God for unanswered prayers. Thank God that Old Payton isn't coming back. Thank God for rebirths, and new beginnings.
And Thank God for Arrow. :)
Another gem Payton. Keep up the great work and the wonderful insight that you have on life.
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