Living Your Most Badass Life

Hey, readers.

Wow! It's been four months since I've sat down to write an entry here.  I have been keeping up with my writing, only now it is for magazines, and my own personal journal.  So much has changed, and I am excited to share with you!

A few weeks ago, my sister and I were having lunch together.  She turned 21 in August, and was feeling confused and scared about the direction of her life.  The pressure to have a life plan in place was starting to take its toll on her, and her demeanor was that of someone about to enter into the ring at a bull fight.  I remembered that feeling all too well.

The moment that best summed up being 21 was when the house that I was renting from a friend, flooded.  There was something that went wrong with the washing machine, and the next thing you know, my backyard was a pool of jeans, and the smell of moldy clothes wafted through the air.  I sat on the floor of my living room, in the water, drinking vodka from the bottle and crying.  I looked back on that memory, and felt an extreme gratitude for it.

During that time period, I wrote down the life that I truly wanted.  My journal entry was three pages, front and back, and I described the home I wanted, the partner of my dreams, the dogs I longed to hear pattering around the house, and the job I wanted so badly that I could taste it.  I was determined to make this life mine.  With a determined slam of the notebook, I held my head high, and was ready to tackle this plan.

And then, I lost steam.  This is the vicious cycle of the self-help junkie. I took the easy way out.  I was broken, and attracted broken people to me.  I had this realization that every single failed relationship (romantic, friendly, family) had happened because my pattern of being broken, and attracting people who were only in to being in my life when I was down.  My relationships always ended with me trying to better myself, and the person I was with feeling threatened by it, me getting fed up, and walking away.

And then, a book fell into my hands.  "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero was recommended to me by my friend Shelby.  I started to implement her teachings, and immediately began to notice differences.  I removed toxic people from my life.  I hired a life coach.  My business started to grow.  My now husband and I started dating.  In a period of seven months, my world is barely recognizable to the one I had at the start of 2016.

Readers, I woke up today next to the man that meets everything and then some that I described in my journal entry, nearly five years ago.  He is kind, and considerate, and gentle, is the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on, and truly the best friend that I've ever had.   We live in a home that is even more beautiful than the one I could have ever described in journal entries. Our precious pups are snoozing in the sun room.  I have meetings, and client followups, and a bank account that would allow me to take myself out to a nice lunch if I really wanted it...for someone who used to dig for quarters in her couch to find a few bucks for a cup of coffee, that in itself is remarkable.  I walk around my home and look at the kitchen that is bigger than an apartment I once had, and could barely afford to pay for.  I smile at our wedding photo that hangs in our beautiful living room. And I feel for the first time in my twenty five years that this is the life that I was meant to have.

I'm writing this to give a bit of hope to everyone out there that is struggling.  I know what it's like to live on beans and rice, and to crash on your friends' couches, to feel alone, even if you're with someone.  The feeling of things never getting any better was so comfortable to me, that when they did, I was scared shitless!!! But, I'm here to tell you guys that you've got to start living your life on purpose and WITH purpose.

So many people let life happen to them, instead of making it work for them.  "Oh, I'm stuck here. I hate my job, but this is as good as its gonna get." "I don't really love this person with every fiber of my being, but it's better than being alone." "I really wanted to be a (dancer, writer, nurse, photographer, teacher) but it'll never happen..." Cut that shit out.  You are going to die one day. It's time you start living like it.

Get your hands on that book, or any book that will help change the way you look at life.  Hire a life coach by any means necessary.  Start a meditation practice.  Get an accountability partner.  Download the 5 Minute Journal app, and start each day with it (It has you write down the three things you're grateful for, your intention for the day, and affirmations) Write down your dream life game plan, and do something small every day to chip away at it.  For me, it's planning the next Fashion Friday videos, following up with clients, researching the latest trends...for my mind, it's writing and meditating, for my home, it's cleaning a little something every day so it doesn't pile up...the life you want is attainable, but you have to be willing to do the work for it, and to divorce yourself from the mediocre life you once knew.  It's terrifying, and it's hard work, but it must be done.

I love you, guys.

Beauty Products I Love: Summer 2016

Hey, readers!

Like I mentioned in this week's Fashion Friday, it's the middle of summer in Nashville...and it's hot. Like breathing soup when you walk outside hot.

This Spring, I made a deal with myself. I told myself that I would start investing my money into self care--I now have higher quality cosmetics that are just as much fun as they are better for my skin, and I even have a day time and a night time routine to care for my skin. In my journey, I've learned what works and what doesn't work for my face and hair. I thought I would pass these along!

Elizabeth Mott's Thank Me Later eye primer.
I discovered Elizabeth Mott on a whim. Amazon suggested this relatively new brand to me after my search for cruelty free cosmetics. The company will send you free samples in the mail for you to try before you buy! I was on the search for a new eye primer, so I had them send me this one. It's been a GODSEND, you guys! I am fairly oily, and most of the higher selling primers leave my lids feeling greasy. I can't wait to purchase more of her products in the future. This keeps my shadow and liner on all day.

Not Your Mother's Beach Babe Sea Salt Spray
I picked up a sample of this at Ulta the other day when I went in for shampoo. My hair is that awkward in between not curly, but not straight texture, and the roots get greasy while the ends will dry out quickly. In the summertime, it's not been easy to go for the effortless bedhead look that I lean towards in the less humid months without looking like Phil Spector's wig. You know the one. After I shampooed and used a Moroccan oil serum in my hair, I let it air dry, and then wrapped the front sections of my hair with a 1 inch curling iron. I then flipped my head over, sprayed fairly liberally with this product, and flipped back up. A few scrunches, and I was ready to go. It's been going strong for two days without feeling crunchy or stiff.

Trestique highlighter sticks
So, something else I would really suggest is getting the Ipsy bag. I get samples (and most of my bag this month were full size products) sent right to my mailbox every month of well known and some not so well known brands. You take a quiz when you sign up to insure that you will actually like your products. Mine are all cruelty free brands as well! Bonus! Anyway, I am fairly new to the whole highlight thing. I know I'm late in the game. I always ended up going overboard and either looking like I had white circles under my eyes like I had laid out in the sun in giant goggles, or looked like someone could have drilled for oil on my face. Not cute. These sticks are highly pigmented, but just the right amount of sheen, are easily blendable, and are foolproof when it comes to application. I was really impressed, and will definitely buy this product in full size when this one runs out.

Smashbox Photo Finish Primer
This was another sample that I picked up while waiting in line at Sephora. The green color is quick to throw most off, but since I am fair and have uneven skin with some redness, I knew that the green would remove the ruddiness from my complexion.  I was really impressed with how a little bit went a long way. Combined with a finishing spray on top of my base makeup, my face won't budge all day!
Pick up a sample at your local Ulta or Sephora. It's half the cost, and will last you forever!

Those are my current go-to favorites to get me through the rest of the months. I really do suggest looking into upping your routine in the summer time. I have always felt disgusting during the hot season in Nashville. It's really hard to feel and look your best when it's hotter than Satan's butthole, but that's still no excuse to stop trying to put your best face forward. Plus, you deserve to take that time out to do something nice for you. Maybe for some of you, that's makeup, or maybe it's meditation. For me, it's both. Do you, readers. Do you.

When it all comes together...

What Goes Around Comes Around: Summer Trends and the Original Inspiration

Hey, readers!

As we approach the end of July in Nashville, I am counting down the days until we have reached fall weather! Summer is my least favorite time of the year, and honestly the season I have the fewest outfit options for.  I can't stand the hot and humid weather! But, I have found ways to style myself that are casual, and I find that I'm not entirely melting by the end of the day. As many of you know, I love to incorporate vintage pieces in with modern ones. I feel like this is not only the best way to save some dough, but also the most fun way to get unique items for less! Fashion comes and goes in twenty year cycles. That's why the 90's are back in a huge way.  I have found that it is friendlier to my wallet and the Earth to try and track down the OG items instead of investing in new ones. Here are a few of this season's latest trends that I have managed to find for less.

OFF THE SHOULDER TOPS
I am seeing these EVERYWHERE lately. I feel like everyone is trying to do something outside the box with this trend. These were huge in the 70's, therefore, big in the 90's, and here we are today. I am seeing tops like this retail in boutiques for $60 and up. Here's one I found online. It's from the 70's, in brand new condition, and only retails for $22. Plus, no one else will have this one! I have an off the shoulder top that was actually a wedding dress I cut up. I always get compliments on it.

Jane Birkin rocks TWO trend this season: The crop top and the off the shoulder. 

MATCHING SEPARATES 

These have been trending quite a bit. Lots of celebs are choosing to go all "matchy-matchy" on us. But, I assure you that your local thrift store or vintage boutique, you will find something similar for a fraction.

The OG Matching separate gang:

You can find matching sets from the 90's starting at $25 online! Channel your inner Dion and Cher.

GLADIATOR SANDALS

I love gladiator sandals. I really do. No shame. I know that they're a dividing shoe, but these had a momeny a few years ago, as well as a few decades ago! I wore a pair of 1970's gold knee high pair to my senior dance, and people gave me looks.  Guess I was just ahead of the curve. I only paid $15 for mine at a second hand store!

Former Supermodel sisters Jenny and Pattie Boyd had these gorgeous purple suede gladiators that I have been lusting over for years. 

So, readers, as you can clearly see, there are no new ideas in fashion. People keep reinventing the wheel and slightly tweaking it. I love seeing how designers come up with new ways to do so, and how people on the street interpret their creations. What trends do you love this season? What are you so ready to be rid of? Comment below! 

5 Things A Man Should Have In His Closet By 25

Hey, readers!

After my last post, I had a few requests to do the same for the gentlemen! So, here we go. The top 5 things I think a man should have in his closet by 25!

Let me preface this post by saying one thing. I don't think everyone should dress the same. These pieces will mean different things to different people. But, here are the building blocks to point you in the right direction of being able to find your own unique sense of style.

ONE. A well tailored suit.
When I say "suit" most of you all will cringe and think of those baggy things your dad wears when he has to dress up.  I always feel like a suit that doesn't fit makes you look like you are playing dress up in your dad's clothes.  I prefer a man in a suit that looks a bit more 60's mod-very fitted and usually with some fun color and patterns brought in with ties and shirts, but this could mean whatever you want it to mean! While basic black is best to start your suit collection, have fun with it.  Shop off season to save even more money on these. I assure you that this is a purchase you will not regret. My personal favorites for men's suits right now are local Nashville designer named Eric Adler and Roxenstone.  They incorporate really unique patterns and textures in with very classic tailoring. It looks modern, yet won't look dated in a few years.

TWO. Well fitted, high quality jeans.

Stop buying your jeans at Old Navy. You're a man now. You deserve to dress like one. Figure out what cut and wash works best for your body type. Lots of stores like Levi's, Lucky, and even a few boutiques have denim experts on hand to assist you in your hunt. Go to places like Nordstrom Rack to get deals on a name brand if you can. Not all denim is created equally. You will wear these more than anything else. Use the cost per wear formula to figure out if the purchase is worth it. 

THREE. T-shirts without an ironic message on them.

Fellas, we are adults now.  Please stop wearing shirts that are meant to be funny, dirty, or ironic. The crime is worse if these shirts came from Hot Topic, Target, or the like.  Instead, replace your go-to casual pieces with either plain, high quality cotton (It's OK to invest in these as well) or a cool band t-shirt. (Also, for fun, google Ironic t-shirt and see how many mugshots come up!)

FOUR. Button downs that your mom didn't buy you. 

We all know that your mom will buy you ill fitting shirts from Kohl's to stick under the Christmas tree. Avoid these at all costs. Seriously, most moms mean well...we love you, moms. Fellas, learn how to buy your own dress shirts. You will need these for the office, or for date night. Learn how to care for these, and invest in an iron while you're at it! My favorites for men are Paul Smith, The Kooples, and Ben Sherman. 

FIVE. A tailor.

OK, so don't keep your tailor in your closet, but you get the drift. Not everyone is going to be the same size or shape that the clothes on the racks are made. And that's OK! A tailor is the difference in making your $100 suit look like $1000...From George Clueless to George Clooney. 

What do you think you need in your wardrobes, guys? I'd be curious to hear. And now, just because he was the sharpest man of all time, here's a photo of Cary Grant for you to swoon over.

5 Items Every Woman Should Have In Her Closet By 25

Hi, readers!

I turn 25 in September. It's coming up soon!

As I reflect back on the last decade of my style (around 15 is when I really got in to expressing myself with clothing) I think about how I have evolved in my wardrobe choices, mistakes I have made, I thought I would share what I believe every woman should have in her wardrobe by the time she hits a quarter of a century!

ONE. A really nice, tailored blazer.
Now, I have a far cry from a desk job, but I found myself gravitating towards suits in the last few years. I really love how a woman looks in a tailored suit.  I found a black  Gucci blazer at an auction for a whopping $4.00. I wear it all the time, and it has definitely paid for itself. I even did a Fashion Friday video based around how to wear it with a vintage band t-shirt. This is one you want to splurge on. None of that disposable H&M or Forever 21 stuff. You're an adult now. You deserve to dress like one.

This incorporates several pieces I speak about! Fitted blazer, high quality vintage designer bag, and jeans that fit! 

TWO. A high quality bag.
I really like vintage designer bags. I am really geeky about the history of different fashion houses, and tend to lean towards the 70's styles (shocker) Shopping vintage is a way to get high quality for next to nothing. My collection has grown over the last few years. I have around five bags that I can wear with every single outfit for any occasion. My vintage Louis Vuitton was a gift, but still cost only as much as a strap for a new bag costs from the company! Vintage is also a wonderful way to not support buying new leather. If designers aren't your thing, then invest in a high quality, basic tote that you can take everywhere. You can always change it up by tying a scarf on the handles!

THREE. Jeans that fit! Really!
I lived in flowy vintage (and usually flammable) dresses for years.  They are still my go-to in the summer time. However, as I've matured and worked in this industry for a while now, I find myself reaching for my jeans more than ever! Having a short torso and long legs made it difficult to shop for jeans, but after doing some research and finding my fits I like (Paige and Rachel Zoe) I know my sizes, and can score them on the sales racks for $30 usually! I wear them nearly every single day. And a dark wash, high quality jean that fits is always going to make you look more polished than a spandex based light wash. I promise! I have boyfriend and skinny jeans in my closet, but I am always a fan of a mid-rise flare. They're classic and universally flattering.

FOUR. A dress (or outfit) that you know works for a formal event.
If I had to go to a wedding, funeral, or red carpet event this evening, I would have something to wear. My go-to formal dress is this gorgeous purple vintage Halston wrap dress that I got at a thrift store of all places! I've posted that several times on here. I recently was given a jersey stretch black jumpsuit that has been worth its weight in gold. I've worn it without a jacket, with a blazer, with a tassle belt, and have managed to make it work in six different scenarios. If it's a suit, a wrap dress, or a jumpsuit, you should have something in your arsenal that you can throw in a suitcase and go.

This year's Fashion Week red carpet. Fitted blazer with sequin detail over the black jumpsuit, a vintage gold glitter clutch, and the leopard boots from the first photo. 

FIVE. Knowledge.

It's crazy how fast trends come and go. The second that something comes out on the runway, fast fashion retailers have a knock off on their shelves. I say that every woman should have knowledge about what goes into her closet for a multitude of reasons.  Do you know who is making your clothes? Is it a big box retailer making profit off of people in sweat shops? Is it a small business in your community? Is it a designer who's doing everything themselves? Do you know how to care for your clothing to make sure they last? Are you purchasing something that will end up in a landfill at the end of the season? Or making a purchase that will be worn for years to come? As we get older, we need to realize that we vote with our dollars. Fewer high quality pieces will always be better than a closet full of crap that no one cares about. It will limit the "I have nothing to wear" scenario, and will make you feel better. Ask questions. Where are these clothes coming from? What are the conditions of the workers in the factory? What is this made of? It's fascinating! I look forward to saving for pieces to invest in, rather than going to the mall every weekend to throw away $15 on something everyone else will have! Find out who the local designers are in your town. They make the best (and most interesting) friends!

What do you think you should have by 25? What about what you should ditch? Comment below! 

What They Don't Tell You About Chasing Your Dream

"Follow your bliss."

"Do what you love, and the money will follow."

"Leap out into the abyss, and a net will appear."

I'm sure that you have heard all of these expressions before.  These sayings are about as commonplace in the self-help community as green juice and yoga mats.  They are also things I repeat to myself on a regular basis. 

But, I'm here to tell you the honest to God truth about following your passion. 

1) It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

2) If you follow through, it's the most rewarding.

3) You are 100% responsible for your own happiness and your life. And that is terrifying. 

I have been working on the vision I have for myself for the last seven years.  I've had the worst day jobs, terrible clients, and have had negative twenty dollars to my name.  I've developed health problems, had my electricity turned off, and have lost my home twice due to my never ending quest for Payton as I see her. I've had people tell me that I was certifiably insane, and have lost friends and family members over it.

Becoming who you are is a growing process. It hurts. And it has moments where it sucks. And I'm here to talk about those times now.

We live in a world where people think that things just "happen" for other people.  This is due to two things, I believe.  The first being social media, and the other is people's subconscious  desire to be mediocre, because that's all they've ever known. Hear me out.

Social media is meant to be people's highlight reels.  We often make the mistake of comparing the footage we left on the cutting room floor to other people's best ofs. I am so guilty of doing this! Oh, so-and-so just did something I want to do, has the relationship I want, or just bought a house! Here I am still renting a home, and feeling like crap, and I think I may be getting fat again and...and...and..what? It's second nature to compare ourselves to others. When I hear my friends do this, I want to take out a spray bottle and spritz them in the face like you would an animal you're trying to train. One of my favorite stylists has this approach she uses with her clients when they're unhappy with something. It's called the "Yes!...and?" Approach. "That person has smaller thighs than I do." "Yes! And?" "And? I want thighs like that.." "Ok, what are you willing to do to change your habits to attain what you want? Working out? Negative self talk? A healthy lifestyle?" Most people get lost in the "yes" and forget to add the "and!"

I've tried to be as real as possible on my social media feeds for this reason.  You'll see on today's post a photo of awkward pre-pubescent Payton. I'll have videos of me making a fool of myself. I will talk openly about my struggles with BDD, overcoming eating disorders, and depression.  Because when we are willing to own up to our bullshit, we can help others own theirs, and potentially help them heal. I also do this to talk about the struggles that we all face as human beings.  I think that once we find out that the beautiful, thin woman who seems to have everything going for her-great clothes, an exciting life full of travel, or whatever she has that you want is a person with her own demons, it makes her human. It connects us.  Unites instead of divides, if you will.

The other thing that is my biggest annoyance is the fact that most people want to be miserable deep down.  This is on a subconscious level usually.  I used to be one of these people, and on days when it's really difficult, I struggle to not fall back into the comfortable patterns that I used to cling to like the old jeans that fell off my hips.  I'm talking about the "I can't make money doing this." "If I were going to be able to live this way, it would have happened already." "I'm not good enough. There are fifty people I can think of who are better musicians, or artists, or real estate agents, or underwater basket weavers than I am." "I'm just not meant to live a life like that." "I'm not special."

Now, readers.  Take all of these beliefs that you may have about yourself, and shove them up your asses (respectfully). Those excuses are easy.  Those thoughts are comfortable.  Because, guess what? Stepping outside of your comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE. Just like your teeth coming in as a baby, or your bones growing as an awkward twelve year old, becoming who you are is painful. Like those stretch marks that cover my body, there will always be a reminder of this pain. But, they fade!  There will be tears, and maybe even some blood. And you have to be willing to accept that.  Living in your old beliefs is lazy. It's like wanting to lose 100 pounds, yet all you do is sit on the couch, eat the same stuff, and complain about not being supermodel thin.  How do you expect to change your life drastically in a physical way if you refuse to change your habits? The same approach needs to be how you come at your thoughts.  You can't expect change if you refuse to change!

You guys, I have had so many people tell me that "Things just happen to you, Payton." And I halfway want to laugh, and halfway want to scream. One person in particular was speaking about my weight, and my career.  This person had no idea the trials and tribulations that I had experienced.  She wasn't there the nights I laid awake in bed, crying because my bank account was in the negative.  She had no idea I spent hours the day before trying on clothes, trying to find one good thing about this new body I inhabited.  I am only the person I am today because I have made the decision that most people consider foolish...the decision to wholeheartedly answer the call I was given...at whatever cost.  I have gone hungry, I have forced myself to get out of bed when I didn't want to, and I have done jobs that even if they had the slightest thing to do with my industry, I would do them. (I have taped down a lot of boobs, y'all) No one sees the struggle. They just see the end result.  

But, you know what? I answered that call. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.  There was a day where I got really quiet, and when I heard the whisper.  I have followed the voice whispering with absolute blind faith, stopping to fight off the blues.  And it's never an easy task to fight them off.  

You guys, you are here for a reason. You have been given a purpose.  It's your job to fill that you sized void while you are here. If you don't try with all of your might to do what you were put here to do, it'll come out in some other icky way--like drinking too much, sleeping with the wrong people, or eating your feelings like I did. But the only way that you are going to be able to step up to the plate to become who you truly are supposed to be is with work, a solid support system, and pure, unabashed faith. 

You are here because the world needs you. It's not always going to be easy. But I promise you, it's better than living a life full of mediocrity and wishing you had done X, Y, and Z. 

Jealous or Crazy? And The Other Woman: Female Stereotypes

"How did it come down to this?
Going through your call list
I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'mma fuck me up a bitch
Know that I kept it sexy, and know I kept it fun
There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one


What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy?
Jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I'd rather be crazy"

You guys, I swear, this is the last post in which I mention Lemonade. I promise.
So, as you guys know, I've been really digging this record (along with the new Monkees record--those have pretty much been the only things I've listened to.)

So, I was rocking out to this song in the car today, and I had an a-ha moment...follow me, here.

My last relationship ended for quite a few reasons.  The number one factor behind ending it was lying.  So many things were hidden from me.  There was another woman hidden from me.  Only, she wasn't that hidden.

Women's intuition is a beautiful and mystifying thing.  It was one night when his phone wasn't glued to his hand.  My gut said "Go through it. He's hiding something." I remember being able to feel my heart beat in my ears.  As I scrolled through his texts, there she was.  Plain as day.  Explicit texts back and forth that confirmed exactly what I thought was happening flooded my senses.  I immediately threw up and put the phone back.  I didn't mention it until five months later.

I often wondered why women who are cheated on don't say anything.  It wasn't until I was one of them that I realized.  It is one of the most shameful experiences I have ever gone through in my life.  Here I was, head on straight, in the best shape of my life, attempting to build a life with someone, and clearly, I wasn't enough.  How could I ever look one of my friends in the eye and admit defeat?

I became one of those jealous, nosy, clingy girlfriends that everyone complains about.  I demanded to know who he was speaking to, where he was going, what he was doing.  I can only imagine it was exhausting to be on the receiving end of my demands.  Other skeletons came out of the closet.  I pushed them back and fought them off with all of the strength I had in me.  I became worse.  I made myself sick.  But, I would rather hide my troubles rather than admit that my partner didn't think I was enough for him.

Five months later, you guys know how this story ends.  But, it wasn't until today that while listening to that song did I realize that women no longer present in a man's life tend to get three roles: Jealous, Crazy, and Home wrecker.

Here's where I get real with you, readers.  I've been the other woman.  The two times it happened, it was completely unbeknownst to me at the time the relationships began. One claimed he was divorced (not true, and even though he had a baby with another woman a few years ago, he still reached out to me) and the other never mentioned the fact that he had a girlfriend.  It wasn't until she showed up on my doorstep did I realize she existed.  I remember both times after realizing what was happening thinking "Why is this bitch taking it out on me? She's crazy. Her husband/boyfriend is the one that she should be pissed off with! Not me!" There's that word. Crazy.

I've been out with platonic male friends of mine whose significant others were livid that their boyfriends were out with a female. It wasn't until later that I had realized there were major infidelity issues with my male friends.  They are no longer friends of mine. But, at the time, I remember thinking...God, jealousy isn't cute, girl! Jealous.

After I went through my boyfriend at the time's phone, I became that kind of crazy.  I stalked, researched, did everything short of getting the FBI involved to track her down.  I wrote drafts of emails to she and her husband that I would send, praying that their marriage was destroyed, just like I felt my relationship was.  I fantasized about what I would say to her if I ever saw her. All the while, I never once thought to hold my boyfriend accountable for his actions. Now, THAT is crazy, my friends.


Of course, that relationship ended after months of me torturing myself, but today is when it hit me.  Yeah, as women, if we get cheated on, we should hold the people involved accountable, but maybe we should use more empathy instead of throwing around words like "jealous" and "crazy".  Maybe these women have a reason to be.  Now, I have never raided another woman's instagram and flooded it with degrading comments, and I never sent her husband an email warning him that his wife is a "home wrecking skank." as much as I thought about it.  But, those thoughts did cross my mind.

I know now that the reasons behind my partner's infidelity had nothing to do with me.  I wasn't too thin or too ambitious or too fat or too demanding.  It wasn't the relationship I was supposed to end up in, and I am grateful for all of the lessons I learned.  I think most of all, though, I am grateful for the insight to the female psyche.  And I will be slower to throw around words like "Jealous" and "Crazy" from here on out. I encourage you to do the same.

And when in doubt, just put on your Cavalli dress and beat some stuff with a baseball bat.

True Life: I'm a Millennial With A Life Coach

Hey, readers!

I hope all of you are well. While I will be reporting on the trends I am seeing on the runways soon (Hello, Gucci cruise!) I thought I would talk to you guys on something that isn't really spoken about.

Today, I'm going to talk to you about my experience entering into the self help world.  After trying to build my own business with little to no luck, a "Lemonade"-esque breakup, a new home, a new relationship, and so much more sending my brain into frazzled mode, my friend Shelby recommended the book "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero to me, and it has honestly revolutionized my life.  You HAVE to get this book, you guys.  It's the best three bucks I ever spent on Amazon.  For someone who was a little self help weary, this book was absolutely perfect.  Jen was formerly in a punk rock band, and her quirky personality and offbeat sense of humor definitely shines through. She has a quote in the book that stood out to me more than any other:

"It's not your fault that you're f****d up. It's your fault if you stay f****d up!"

The cutest little reading buddy there ever was. 

Shelby: Soul sister, fellow badass, and Zombies fan 

How true was this?! The book gets really uncomfortable for a few chapters when you end up confronting your bull shitake mushrooms.  I had to get real with myself about which stories was I continuing to tell myself because they were comfortable.  She discusses how people become so wrapped up in their own narratives that doing anything that doesn't play into those will send your brain into shock. For instance: "No one in my family has ever made money." "Rich people are bad people." "I am going to die alone. There are no good men left." "No one makes money as a musician." etc. etc. Here were mine:

"People don't pay me enough for my services."
"Women aren't supposed to make money. Men are supposed to provide."
"I am an imposter."
"I am not good enough."
"I don't have enough resources to make a difference in the world."
"Men are intimidated by determined, successful women."

These were all crippling beliefs!  In my heart of hearts, I knew I wanted to build a one woman empire based on fashion being a healing avenue.  How on earth was I supposed to use my skills to serve the world if I didn't believe I had them? Or that I wasn't good enough?  What if The Beatles decided that no one wanted to hear their music because it was unusual?  Seriously! They were broke as hell when they started!

So, once I figured out what my narratives were--the stories that continued to make me feel like crap about myself--I then took the next course of action.  Jen says in the book to hire a life coach at any cost.  Put it on a credit card, sell all of your possessions, donate your blood, just hire a life coach at any cost.  And so I did!

I had already known of Coach Dar from her work on some people in my family, and her strong online presence.  Her Motivational Mondays always really inspired me, so I reached out to her.  I mentioned my struggles.  When I spoke of my dreams, she didn't laugh, and she certainly didn't scoff at me like the voices in my head were!  She said that she would absolutely be able to help me, and sent me her pricing sheet.  I bought eight sessions, and it was the biggest check I have ever written in my life.  I looked at this as an investment in my life, and tried to not laugh at the irony of hiring a life coach when I was a self employed person with no clients on the books.

My first session was on the phone.  I was honest with Coach Dar about all of my shortcomings, my self doubt, and the direction I wanted to go in with my life.  And just like any other coach in sports would, she told me how to keep my head in the game.

The first thing we tackled was getting me on a meditation routine.  She told me about an app called the Insight Timer.  I am doing guided meditations at least twice a day.  Sometimes it's more if I feel like I need it.  I am then doing gratitude journaling in the morning and at night.  There's an app that my friend Shelby told me about called the 5 Minute Journal that reminds you do create entries twice a day.  That way, there's no excuses! Everyone carries their phones on them at all times anyway! You might as well take a moment to stop and reflect on what you're grateful for! I finally have been able to get into the meditation zone that everyone always talks about.  I was given a personal affirmation to repeat to myself all the time.  It's written on a notecard that's stuck to my windshield.  I was given a meditation exercise to lock away the notion of women not being able to make money in to a drawer, as well as personal affirmations to repeat to myself when I start to feel insecure about my career. I did an exercise in which I had to take every single belief about myself financially.  An example:

BELIEF:
"Women don't make money.  Men provide it."
IS THAT TRUE?
Of course not. Lots of women make tons of money every day. All of the business women I admire are self made women!
TURN IT AROUND
I  provide an abundant life for myself! Women run successful companies all over the world. And I am one of them! I am able to serve so many people using my gifts.
BELIEF
No one wants to pay me what I am worth.
IS THAT TRUE?
No! There are stylists out there that I am just as good as making ten times what I do! They are working with exciting clients every single day!
TURN IT AROUND
People are paying what I'm worth to have people just like me style them! I am always in the right place at the right time to meet them!

Truer words have never been spoken. 

I did the same exercise for my personal beliefs in my self-mind, body, and spirit.  I then sat down and got really clear on my financial needs.  I wrote down every single thing that I would need to have the greatest life I could imagine.  When I sat down and did the math, I realized that this life was easily attainable--if I had been charging what I had originally wanted to charge people for my services! All I would need to do is to charge what I am worth, I could thrive with four clients a month! Instead, I was floundering with eight or more jobs a month, and barely scraping by! What a freeing revelation this was! I wasn't a failure, or lacking! I just was selling myself short!

At the end of the day, the biggest thing that Coach Dar has helped me with is my attitude!  I had such a poverty mindset--"Things never happen to me." "I'm not successful enough." "I should have been further along." And just as easily as those thoughts flew through my brain, now "I am already abundant." "I am always in the right place at the right time." "I am exactly in the right place to serve." are on repeat.  You can't control all of the situations you will be handed, readers.  You can, however, handle how you choose to react to them.  There were days recently that I would have loved to have stayed in bed all day and wallowed.  But, I chose to wake up, dress up, make up, and show up.  And those days have been the most rewarding!  I have ended up in some beautifully rewarding situations that would not have happened had I done things my old ways.

If your old ways aren't working--if you're broke, and feel like you always will be, or if you feel like you're just existing and not living, or whatever it is, get your hands on that book.  Hire a coach.  Sell everything you have to make it happen.  Do whatever it takes.  Because being able to get out of bed in the morning, being able to look myself square in the eye and be prepared to take over the world is priceless.

You may think I am nuts for being a 24 year old with a life coach, but I will be over here making vision boards, meditating, and repeating my affirmations in the mean time.  You only have one life to live.  I have spent far too much time at the bedsides of people I love towards the end of their life. When I asked them what they all wished? "That I hadn't worried as much and just lived." And it's my every intention to live in such a way that when my loved ones gather around me and ask me what I would have changed, I will be able to smile, and say "Nothing. It was the best ride ever."


Would you ever consider getting a life coach, readers? Why or why not?

A little reminder from my five minute journal app. 

Closet Case: Why You Shouldn't Settle For Bad Clothes Or Relationships

Hey, readers!

I told you that I would be blogging more!  I have been debating whether or not to write this particular blog.  But, I recently had a discussion with a client of mine that made me rethink that decision.

A few days ago, I was cleaning out a client's closet and preparing her wardrobe for the upcoming seasonal change.  My process usually involves me pulling every single item out of my client's closet, throwing it on their beds, and then having them separate everything into piles: Keep, Donate, Sell.  I have them try on every single article of clothing, and talk them through why I think they should or should not keep a piece.  After helping walk a few people through this process, I realized that not only do we as humans tend to hoard things that no longer serve us in our wardrobes, but we do it in our lives as well.

My last client has a shopping problem.  I have attempted numerous times to educate her on when something is a good investment or not (Quality, Taste, Style, Versatility...) and it just doesn't seem to effect her.  Like many women, she fluctuates in her weight, and the clothes she held on to from when she was her smallest (and starving herself) bring up painful memories and make her feel inadequate.  As she clung on to a cheap, ill fitting, polyester sundress from a box store, tearfully trying to make it fit, I had a realization...She was doing to her closet what I had been doing in my life.

How many times have I sat across from another person, be it friend, or romantic interest, trying so hard to squeeze, wiggle, and force a perfect match?  Almost always.

Maybe it's with the latest release of Beyonce's "Lemonade" that has me inspired to talk about what happened to me.  Maybe it's because I am simply too tired to answer any more questions about it.  Maybe it's because it's time to clean the skeletons out of my closet...

My last relationship was the equivalent of the stained sweatpants you can't get rid of from high school.  It was sort of comfortable, it was definitely stained, stretched, and wasn't doing much of anything for anyone.  About a year into the relationship, I learned that there was some serious infidelity issues going on.  I waited until ten months to bring it up.  I essentially sat in an oversized hoodie of a relationship because it was comfortable.  It definitely wasn't working for me.  I might as well have been in an open relationship with his phone (the device he used to be unfaithful with.)

Being in a relationship with a man who refuses to show you his phone is the equivalent of wearing leggings as pants.  It's awkward for all parties involved. It's enough effort to get by.  You deserve an open and honest relationship. Just like you deserve real pants.

So, I let the infidelity slide.  Maybe it'll get better! Just like I may manage to make this stretched and faded t-shirt work if I accessorize it a bit.  I'm not crazy! You are! This is totally working. I may look like I'm from People Of Wal-Mart. But that's a look! I stayed for almost an entire year after finding this out, guys.  This was just the tip of the iceberg.  There are a million other reasons why it didn't work out in the long run.  There was the hustling for two, the mind numbing day in and day out of being the only one doing chores, and being constantly reminded every single day that I wasn't enough. The snide comments, the inability to show me that he was proud to be with me...it was maddening. But, it was comfortable.

And then, one of my best friends moved in town from LA.  We had gone out previously, and kissed once (or fifty times) there was an undeniable spark between the two of us.  However, with us living across the country, we agreed to remain friends, and our relationship was kept on the phone.  You know that expression "Nothing haunts us like the things we didn't buy?" He was the equivalent of this vintage Louis Vuitton bag I should have bought two years prior...Couldn't shake him.  And so, once he moved to Nashville, and saw the state my life was in, he showed me that I deserved real pants...and someone who was proud to be with me.

When he moved back to town, I was reminded of purchasing my first designer item of clothing.  As a teenager, I worked a few jobs to help pay for gas, and bought the usual Forever 21 bologna.  And then, one day, I decided I wanted a pair of really nice jeans.  I saved and saved, and finally walked into the store to purchase them.  I had never felt as beautiful as I did in those jeans.  I went home, neatly hung them up in my closet, and never went back.  As an adult, I have cultivated a wardrobe full of beautiful pieces that are high quality.  They are pieces that I am proud to be seen in.  It's organized in a way to make my life easier.  And everything fits!  If I wouldn't settle for mediocrity in my closet, I definitely wasn't about to settle into it in my personal life! Your relationship should fit like the perfect jeans.  They should be comfortable, but support you in all the right places.  My old friend became my new boyfriend, and I don't plan on going back to the faded, ill-fitting leggings any time soon.

Guys, you deserve someone who will hand over their phones because they have nothing to hide.  You deserve beautiful fabrics hanging in your closet that make you feel like a million dollars.  And you sure as hell deserve to have someone who doesn't shove skeletons in the back of their closets next to their Crocs.

Keep your closets dusted, and keep your minds clear.

-Your sister in denim

Bravery and Square Pegs.

Hey, readers!

I am so sorry that my blogs have been so few and far between lately.  Remember when I used to update this thing regularly? I've also been skimping on my Fashion Friday videos the past two weeks.

This should have been the first sign that something was sort of off with me I suppose. I stopped beating my drum sticks on every surface I could find. I didn't pick up a pen.  I hadn't read any books that weren't self help related.  I stopped dreaming of traveling to far away places.  This is where I was at with my life two weeks ago. I walked around like a zombie, living on under eye concealer and large coffees.  If I could plaster a smile on my face to go out into the real world, then no one would know...I was slowly killing myself. And no one noticed.

Now, this is nobody's fault, really.  I had done what I have always done.  My entire life has been spent moving from place to place, grasping for some sense of stability and normalcy.  I don't recall a time where I wasn't trying to force something to be what I needed it to be.  The title to my autobiography might as well have been called "Close, But No Cigar." and my catchphrase of "It's ALMOST there." which I usually reserve for describing articles of clothing for clients was beginning to feel like my mantra.

I was spinning my wheels trying to figure out a way to drum up business for myself to keep going.  I was constantly reminded of the limiting beliefs that I had grown up with surrounding money. Every day I woke up with a sense of dread, and a constant reminder that my dreams were not going to come true.  My backyard felt like a trap instead of an oasis.  My relationships felt like nooses around my neck.  I thought about giving up styling about fifty times in a matter of a week. And then, one morning I woke up and prayed for a sign.  "Creator, give me a sign that I'm on the right or the wrong path." I begged.  I woke up and went to a business meeting, and it was there that I got that sign.

It was supposed to be a normal business meeting with a woman I met at a networking event. She had a new skin care line that she wanted me to review.  She then said "I notice your energy seems off.  I'm a reader and healer.  May I help you?" Now, I'm not one to shy away from the crunchy hippie way of life, so I said "Of course!" She took me upstairs and shuffled a deck of cards.  She closed her eyes and said "OK, so this card will represent what will happen if you stay on your current path." and then I saw the two words CERTAIN DEATH under a photo of the Grim Reaper.  A lump formed in my throat, and I started to tear up.  She then closed her eyes again, and said "This card will represent your life if you choose to take a different path." A man illuminated by the rays of the sun and a trail leading to this beautiful paradise was revealed to me. THE SUNSHINE MAN was in big, bold letters underneath the illustration.

The woman then said to me "I feel like your entire life, you've been settling.  You're a workaholic, and you try to see the best in every one else at your own expense.  You have dreams of a life full of passion, adventure, excitement, and service to other people.  But, if you continue on this path you're on, it will never happen.  Life will be difficult if you do not choose to allow yourself to see the sunshine."

Insert me having a crying fit here. She hit the nail on every head, dug the nails back out, and hammered them back in again.  I had been overworking myself to distract from my unhappiness.  I had been trying to convince myself that I was incredibly happy and fulfilled, when in reality, I was empty and had never been lonelier in my life.  And so, I started over.

I walked away from what was my home for nearly the past two years.  I left behind plans, and a business I shared with someone, and all of the furniture that had been "ours".  I spent far too much money on a tiny little space, and moved Me and My Arrow in.  We don't have furniture yet, but there is a lot of love in our crackerjack box of an apartment.  And I'll tell you something, readers.  The moment I decided to leave and start fresh is the moment I felt like I could breathe again.  I talked to my grandmother the other day on the phone in the midst of the moving chaos, and she told me that I was one of the bravest people she knew.  "Most people would just have stayed in a life that was just okay.  You're brave for knowing who you are, and knowing you deserve better than just okay."

I guess I've never thought of myself as brave, readers.  It wasn't until I sat and really thought about the choices I have made in my short lifetime that I realized I was.  I've lived more in my nearly 25 years than most twice my age.  I've already decided that booze and I don't get along...even though it's ingrained in us as a society that twenty somethings should.  I decided when I was quite young to live a life without eating animals even though I live in the BBQ capital of the world.   I've chosen a career path that is neither steady, nor promised when I could have easily taken a different job to help me pay the bills until I die.  For the first time in my life, I gave myself the credit for being brave.  And this time, I was going to be brave enough to decide to live the life I want.

If there's anything I would love for you to take away from these ramblings, readers, it is this:
You don't have to sit at a table where love is no longer being served.  You deserve a life of passion, adventure, and excitement.  You should have and can have a life where you wake up and drink coffee with your soulmate, where your job makes you ridiculously happy to be alive, and where you feel like you can truly, fully be who you were put on this earth to be.  You just have to be brave enough to choose it.

And tomorrow? Arrow and I are packing up to go on an adventure.  Because we choose to!

Imposter Syndrome

Hello, readers!

I do apologize for the gaps in between my blogs lately.  If you follow me on my social media platforms, you know that it's been a productive few months.  I have recently signed on as the Creative  Director of Nashville Fashion TV, and that along with the work I am doing on my own has kept me terribly tied up.  I barely have time to write an Instagram caption, let alone an entire blog!

Interviewing Amanda Valentine for Nashville TV

I've had this subject on my mind a lot lately.  As someone who considers herself a creative, as well as being born from a creative, and currently living with one too, I see this as an epidemic.  I'm taking about "Imposter Syndrome"

Imposter Sundrome: a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

Behind the scenes of a product shot and commercial. 

I know that I've shared a lot of things with you on this blog that most people wouldn't dream of mentioning to their closest friends, let alone expose their vulnerabilities to the entire internet.  However, when I started blogging, I told you all that I would be honest with all of you.  And, the way I look at it, if I have difficulties with this, then others will too.

This past year has been the most rewarding career wise for me.  I have dressed famous people, rebranded musicians entirely, been published in print, been in music videos, had countless photo shoots, relaunched my website, and will be giving a speech at a Fashion Week kickoff party about my career as a celebrity stylist.  I was on my way to interview Amanda Valentine, the fashion designer for Nashville Fashion TV when I was tagged in the poster on Facebook:

It was then that it hit me.  I am going to be giving a speech in front of other people on how to become a celebrity stylist.  I was going to tell people how they could become like me.  Who on earth would want to listen to that?  No one wants to listen to me go on and on about how I have essentially spent seven years taping people's boobs down, and steaming out disgruntled rockstar's wrinkles!  What if they realize that I'm not really all that great?  What if they find out that I'm not glamorous, and I'm no one to aspire to be like?  I'm not a stylist! I'm a fake! Now, keep in mind, I said this as I had a trunk full of clothes I needed to return from a photo shoot I just styled, a text conversation going on with a client of mine, and I was about to walk in to interview a very well known fashion designer for a program...about fashion.  I had managed to go into that deep dark hole and take away my own accomplishments from myself. 

Logically speaking, I know that my hard work is finally beginning to pay off.  I know that there is a long road ahead of me that will involve burns from steamers, and people who used to be famous being mad at me over pleating in their pants.  But my subconscious likes to go into this deep dark pit that is filled with everyone who's ever told me that I wasn't enough.  It's my natural instinct to fall down that hole.  Oh,you've just booked an incredibly high profile job that will look insanely great on your resume?  What if they figure out that you're not as great as everyone says you are?  What if they find out that you have no idea what you're doing?  This is where my brain goes.

It's then that I have to sit down, breathe, and usually write down everything that I am feeling in the moment.  I'll make it out in list form, and reply to my own concerns.

Things that I am worried about:

They won't be happy with my work.

You'll never know until you actually do the work! Besides, every other client has always been happy!

I'm not accomplished enough.  I should be further ahead by now.

You're nearly 25, and have already done more than people in your industry who are decades older than you. Shut up. 

What if they don't take me seriously?

Do you take yourself seriously? OK, then. Now, go in there and show them how serious to take you.

It may sound a bit strange, readers, but this is the only thing that has really helped me get over this "Imposter Syndrome" circle of frustration.  

Because, the truth of the matter is, I am quite successful for someone my age.  I have worked at the same career goal for nearly seven years.  I have been published several times, worked for mostly celebrities, and have started building the foundation on which my professional life will more than likely lie on for the rest of my life.  Somedays, I just need my conscious and my subconscious to be on the same page!

What do you think, readers?  Do you ever have self-doubt that turns into Imposter Syndrome?  Comment below how you fight it off!