Going through your call list
I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'mma fuck me up a bitch
Know that I kept it sexy, and know I kept it fun
There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one
What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy?
Jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I'd rather be crazy"
You guys, I swear, this is the last post in which I mention Lemonade. I promise.
So, as you guys know, I've been really digging this record (along with the new Monkees record--those have pretty much been the only things I've listened to.)
So, I was rocking out to this song in the car today, and I had an a-ha moment...follow me, here.
My last relationship ended for quite a few reasons. The number one factor behind ending it was lying. So many things were hidden from me. There was another woman hidden from me. Only, she wasn't that hidden.
Women's intuition is a beautiful and mystifying thing. It was one night when his phone wasn't glued to his hand. My gut said "Go through it. He's hiding something." I remember being able to feel my heart beat in my ears. As I scrolled through his texts, there she was. Plain as day. Explicit texts back and forth that confirmed exactly what I thought was happening flooded my senses. I immediately threw up and put the phone back. I didn't mention it until five months later.
I often wondered why women who are cheated on don't say anything. It wasn't until I was one of them that I realized. It is one of the most shameful experiences I have ever gone through in my life. Here I was, head on straight, in the best shape of my life, attempting to build a life with someone, and clearly, I wasn't enough. How could I ever look one of my friends in the eye and admit defeat?
I became one of those jealous, nosy, clingy girlfriends that everyone complains about. I demanded to know who he was speaking to, where he was going, what he was doing. I can only imagine it was exhausting to be on the receiving end of my demands. Other skeletons came out of the closet. I pushed them back and fought them off with all of the strength I had in me. I became worse. I made myself sick. But, I would rather hide my troubles rather than admit that my partner didn't think I was enough for him.
Five months later, you guys know how this story ends. But, it wasn't until today that while listening to that song did I realize that women no longer present in a man's life tend to get three roles: Jealous, Crazy, and Home wrecker.
Here's where I get real with you, readers. I've been the other woman. The two times it happened, it was completely unbeknownst to me at the time the relationships began. One claimed he was divorced (not true, and even though he had a baby with another woman a few years ago, he still reached out to me) and the other never mentioned the fact that he had a girlfriend. It wasn't until she showed up on my doorstep did I realize she existed. I remember both times after realizing what was happening thinking "Why is this bitch taking it out on me? She's crazy. Her husband/boyfriend is the one that she should be pissed off with! Not me!" There's that word. Crazy.
I've been out with platonic male friends of mine whose significant others were livid that their boyfriends were out with a female. It wasn't until later that I had realized there were major infidelity issues with my male friends. They are no longer friends of mine. But, at the time, I remember thinking...God, jealousy isn't cute, girl! Jealous.
After I went through my boyfriend at the time's phone, I became that kind of crazy. I stalked, researched, did everything short of getting the FBI involved to track her down. I wrote drafts of emails to she and her husband that I would send, praying that their marriage was destroyed, just like I felt my relationship was. I fantasized about what I would say to her if I ever saw her. All the while, I never once thought to hold my boyfriend accountable for his actions. Now, THAT is crazy, my friends.
Of course, that relationship ended after months of me torturing myself, but today is when it hit me. Yeah, as women, if we get cheated on, we should hold the people involved accountable, but maybe we should use more empathy instead of throwing around words like "jealous" and "crazy". Maybe these women have a reason to be. Now, I have never raided another woman's instagram and flooded it with degrading comments, and I never sent her husband an email warning him that his wife is a "home wrecking skank." as much as I thought about it. But, those thoughts did cross my mind.
I know now that the reasons behind my partner's infidelity had nothing to do with me. I wasn't too thin or too ambitious or too fat or too demanding. It wasn't the relationship I was supposed to end up in, and I am grateful for all of the lessons I learned. I think most of all, though, I am grateful for the insight to the female psyche. And I will be slower to throw around words like "Jealous" and "Crazy" from here on out. I encourage you to do the same.
And when in doubt, just put on your Cavalli dress and beat some stuff with a baseball bat.
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