"Do what you love, and the money will follow."
"Leap out into the abyss, and a net will appear."
I'm sure that you have heard all of these expressions before. These sayings are about as commonplace in the self-help community as green juice and yoga mats. They are also things I repeat to myself on a regular basis.
But, I'm here to tell you the honest to God truth about following your passion.
1) It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
2) If you follow through, it's the most rewarding.
3) You are 100% responsible for your own happiness and your life. And that is terrifying.
I have been working on the vision I have for myself for the last seven years. I've had the worst day jobs, terrible clients, and have had negative twenty dollars to my name. I've developed health problems, had my electricity turned off, and have lost my home twice due to my never ending quest for Payton as I see her. I've had people tell me that I was certifiably insane, and have lost friends and family members over it.
Becoming who you are is a growing process. It hurts. And it has moments where it sucks. And I'm here to talk about those times now.
We live in a world where people think that things just "happen" for other people. This is due to two things, I believe. The first being social media, and the other is people's subconscious desire to be mediocre, because that's all they've ever known. Hear me out.
Social media is meant to be people's highlight reels. We often make the mistake of comparing the footage we left on the cutting room floor to other people's best ofs. I am so guilty of doing this! Oh, so-and-so just did something I want to do, has the relationship I want, or just bought a house! Here I am still renting a home, and feeling like crap, and I think I may be getting fat again and...and...and..what? It's second nature to compare ourselves to others. When I hear my friends do this, I want to take out a spray bottle and spritz them in the face like you would an animal you're trying to train. One of my favorite stylists has this approach she uses with her clients when they're unhappy with something. It's called the "Yes!...and?" Approach. "That person has smaller thighs than I do." "Yes! And?" "And? I want thighs like that.." "Ok, what are you willing to do to change your habits to attain what you want? Working out? Negative self talk? A healthy lifestyle?" Most people get lost in the "yes" and forget to add the "and!"
I've tried to be as real as possible on my social media feeds for this reason. You'll see on today's post a photo of awkward pre-pubescent Payton. I'll have videos of me making a fool of myself. I will talk openly about my struggles with BDD, overcoming eating disorders, and depression. Because when we are willing to own up to our bullshit, we can help others own theirs, and potentially help them heal. I also do this to talk about the struggles that we all face as human beings. I think that once we find out that the beautiful, thin woman who seems to have everything going for her-great clothes, an exciting life full of travel, or whatever she has that you want is a person with her own demons, it makes her human. It connects us. Unites instead of divides, if you will.
The other thing that is my biggest annoyance is the fact that most people want to be miserable deep down. This is on a subconscious level usually. I used to be one of these people, and on days when it's really difficult, I struggle to not fall back into the comfortable patterns that I used to cling to like the old jeans that fell off my hips. I'm talking about the "I can't make money doing this." "If I were going to be able to live this way, it would have happened already." "I'm not good enough. There are fifty people I can think of who are better musicians, or artists, or real estate agents, or underwater basket weavers than I am." "I'm just not meant to live a life like that." "I'm not special."
Now, readers. Take all of these beliefs that you may have about yourself, and shove them up your asses (respectfully). Those excuses are easy. Those thoughts are comfortable. Because, guess what? Stepping outside of your comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE. Just like your teeth coming in as a baby, or your bones growing as an awkward twelve year old, becoming who you are is painful. Like those stretch marks that cover my body, there will always be a reminder of this pain. But, they fade! There will be tears, and maybe even some blood. And you have to be willing to accept that. Living in your old beliefs is lazy. It's like wanting to lose 100 pounds, yet all you do is sit on the couch, eat the same stuff, and complain about not being supermodel thin. How do you expect to change your life drastically in a physical way if you refuse to change your habits? The same approach needs to be how you come at your thoughts. You can't expect change if you refuse to change!
You guys, I have had so many people tell me that "Things just happen to you, Payton." And I halfway want to laugh, and halfway want to scream. One person in particular was speaking about my weight, and my career. This person had no idea the trials and tribulations that I had experienced. She wasn't there the nights I laid awake in bed, crying because my bank account was in the negative. She had no idea I spent hours the day before trying on clothes, trying to find one good thing about this new body I inhabited. I am only the person I am today because I have made the decision that most people consider foolish...the decision to wholeheartedly answer the call I was given...at whatever cost. I have gone hungry, I have forced myself to get out of bed when I didn't want to, and I have done jobs that even if they had the slightest thing to do with my industry, I would do them. (I have taped down a lot of boobs, y'all) No one sees the struggle. They just see the end result.
But, you know what? I answered that call. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. There was a day where I got really quiet, and when I heard the whisper. I have followed the voice whispering with absolute blind faith, stopping to fight off the blues. And it's never an easy task to fight them off.
You guys, you are here for a reason. You have been given a purpose. It's your job to fill that you sized void while you are here. If you don't try with all of your might to do what you were put here to do, it'll come out in some other icky way--like drinking too much, sleeping with the wrong people, or eating your feelings like I did. But the only way that you are going to be able to step up to the plate to become who you truly are supposed to be is with work, a solid support system, and pure, unabashed faith.
You are here because the world needs you. It's not always going to be easy. But I promise you, it's better than living a life full of mediocrity and wishing you had done X, Y, and Z.
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